As I have gotten older in my life, it has become abundantly clear that life is all about finding a balance, whether it’s with yourself, relationships, career or anything and everything else. Notice I didn’t say that I was good at it. Balance is one of the hardest things to achieve, and even then, it may not feel good.
With my career, when I was younger, if I didn’t like something or someone or if I felt wronged, I just gave my notice and left, moved on to the next thing. I think I thought there was something perfect for me out there. Twenty years and numerous jobs later, I finally discovered that there is no perfect – not even close. When you think it can’t be any worse someplace else, believe me when I say that IT CAN!
And so I have my current job, going on 5 years now, the longest ever with one employer. It is not perfect – it is in fact quite bad. I am an accountant for a private company and the owner is clueless when it comes to how to run a business. He keeps making the same mistakes over and over again and he is running it into the ground financially. The hardest part for me is that with all that has happened in my life, with all the low self-esteem and failures, I have always been proud of the job I do as an accountant – I am quite good at it and I feel good about myself because of it, but the owner won’t allow me to do the job properly, keeping information and paperwork from me, not answering questions, hiding money and transactions. It has taken a toll of the last bit of self-esteem I have held onto. So I should leave, right? Well, it’s not that easy.
Here’s the thing – there are positives to where I work. I work part-time and mostly from home; I set my own schedule; I can take time off for illness or family emergencies whenever I need to without feeling any guilt; and I don’t have anyone breathing down my neck or micromanaging everything I do. It’s these things that make me stay. It’s about balance and what it important to me at this stage of my life. With my anxieties and health and family issues, the work environment and flexibility are more important to me than not being able to do my job the way I know it should be done. All I can do is do the best I can with what I am given, and of course keep good notes on the side. I don’t think I could handle a fulltime corporate job anymore, especially since it would pay less for more work.
I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realize that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and that sometimes it’s the balance between the good and the bad that matters. It doesn’t mean that it is easy – I still hate that I can’t get what I need to do my job. But I can accept that to keep the other things I want and need. And isn’t that the true about life in general?