Unrealized Abandonment

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I was once told that I have abandonment issues stemming from childhood. Wait, what? How? My parents were always there for me; no divorce; no one left me. But I didn’t know that there is more to abandonment than just someone leaving. 

In enduring the incest as a little girl, I was abandoned. It’s hard for me to put into words but each time my brother or father came for me, and each time I hoped my mom would save me, I felt abandoned. She wasn’t there when I needed her. She didn’t know of the incest of course, but the mind of that little girl didn’t understand that. She just needed someone to save her, and when no one did, the feelings of abandonment were born. 

When friendships went sour, as they often did, I felt abandoned. Always wanting to be liked, accepted, but never feeling that way, feeling so alone, I felt abandoned. When my sisters turned their backs on me for voicing my opinion, I felt abandoned. When my mother, in her foggy, failing mind, sided with them and yelled at me about things that never happened and words I never said, I felt abandoned. And when my son fell for his father’s lies and walked away, I truly was abandoned.

And now, I have a difficult time allowing a connection to anyone new; I lack trust and anticipate being abandoned yet again. I am stuck, like my feet are surrounded and held down by a thick, black mud that won’t let me move, and I’m unsure of how to change it. When so many have let you down, how do you trust again?

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