Unrealized Abandonment

I was once told that I have abandonment issues stemming from childhood. Wait, what? How? My parents were always there for me; no divorce; no one left me. But I didn’t know that there is more to abandonment than just someone leaving. 

In enduring the incest as a little girl, I was abandoned. It’s hard for me to put into words but each time my brother or father came for me, and each time I hoped my mom would save me, I felt abandoned. She wasn’t there when I needed her. She didn’t know of the incest of course, but the mind of that little girl didn’t understand that. She just needed someone to save her, and when no one did, the feelings of abandonment were born. 

When friendships went sour, as they often did, I felt abandoned. Always wanting to be liked, accepted, but never feeling that way, feeling so alone, I felt abandoned. When my sisters turned their backs on me for voicing my opinion, I felt abandoned. When my mother, in her foggy, failing mind, sided with them and yelled at me about things that never happened and words I never said, I felt abandoned. And when my son fell for his father’s lies and walked away, I truly was abandoned.

And now, I have a difficult time allowing a connection to anyone new; I lack trust and anticipate being abandoned yet again. I am stuck, like my feet are surrounded and held down by a thick, black mud that won’t let me move, and I’m unsure of how to change it. When so many have let you down, how do you trust again?

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14 thoughts on “Unrealized Abandonment

  1. Very sorry to hear about all this. I would like to share my feelings related to my life as i have been abandoned by my father, my brother is distant and my relationships turned out to be same. When i look closely inside me, i felt there are some aspects of mine which i dont like about myself and reject. First, the process of acceptance start from within , I dont know about you but if there are some aspects of yourself that you dont accept whether white or black then please start accepting yourself unconditionally. This is what i am doing although i m taking accountability to improve. Secondly, I am working on creating boundaries and showing up for myself rather than depending on others to do for me, The confidence that I can stand for myself is a second step that I am working on. Thirdly, i have started looking into lives of those people who have abandoned me – their emotions,life challenges and mental issues which made me understand what kind of person they were and it is not that personal. This is also helping me to now choose right people or stay distant from the people who are not right fit rather than being completely closed off. Fourth, I am trying to understand myself – all my likes ,dislikes,emotional triggers,hurts and happiness. Who am I ? When i understand myself then i know who is a right fit for me and who is to be kept at arm’s length.These are only some of the steps i am trying and i am also on a journey and hope i find other things to heal myself and wish u also find more. These are my personal views and i am on my own journey of healing. Please accept or reject as per your experiences,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think it’s great that you are experiencing all these realizations and then trying to work through them! I have done this to many degrees but still have a long way to go. I have no idea who I am anymore or where my place is in this life. I think it is a journey for all of us in this boat. And certainly some times are better than others, like the waves of the ocean. Hugs to you, sweetness! May be both find our may through.

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  2. Good question, personally I’m just not going to trust anyone anymore. That’s sad, but I feel it’s more important, to me anyway, to protect myself from any more hurt. There are way to many people that just don’t care. How does one find the rare gems that do?

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      1. Yes, it is. I felt the therapy I was receiving before everything fell apart was helpful, but now that I was handled so badly even if I were to see another therapist again I’d never be able to trust him/her anywhere near the extent of the last one.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. We feel danger in places others do not, it is a thought, it can be pure fear

    As a child we were helpless

    When my childhood trauma is active, I feel like a kid

    One day I became aware that I was triggered when these childlike emotions came out

    I know real fear is not there but it takes a while to unplug it

    We fear what our mind conjures up

    Every trigger firing did no damage me
    I survived everyone unharmed but I tried avoid everyone

    It is irrational and confusing

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Coming out of childhood autonomy is absent

    Our Egos are flawed we feel unworthy

    Abandonment will always be there

    Trust is difficult we have no idea what love and kindness looks like

    I still have no idea how to pick a mate who is trustworthy

    We can still navigate and enjoy life but it is not easy and flare ups are common

    We crave approval and live and fear rejection loss and ridicule

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh most childhood abuse voices avoid

        They do not trust sharing

        Many read and follow but seldom respond

        It’s like talk radio 98% listen 2% call in

        Hopefully some will comfortable in due time

        We heal in small increments from daily work

        My opinion

        You are a survivor and have what it takes to get a lot better

        Keep going

        Liked by 2 people

  5. It’s not surprising you find trust difficult, given everything you have gone through. It makes sense that trust is going to feel scary, and is going to be very tentative – even if in your mind you are convinced that a friend or partner seems trustworthy. When you’ve been hurt so badly, your brain wants to protect you.

    Liked by 1 person

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