Something happened this morning. Something that has happened before and torn me apart. Something that has always had a destructive power over me. But this time something was different, and it showed me just how far I have come. It was the moment I realized that my healing from childhood abuse and adult family estrangements had finally come full circle. It was the moment that I realized that I am going to be ok after all.
Ever since the estrangement from several family members 12 years ago, I get terrible nightmares. It is always some form of my sisters lying once again and destroying my relationship with mom, and then my mom turns on me, as my dad just stands by and lets it happen. I am always left standing there, knowing I am telling the truth, but my mom won’t believe me and turns me away. Obviously there is an underlying current of what happened in real life, but in the nightmares everything is more pronounced and it always seems oh-so-real. I would wake up from these nightmares drained and emotionally exhausted. It always left me sad and depressed for a good day or more.
That’s what’s weird about dreams and nightmares – you know they aren’t real but the brain still goes through the emotions of it, you have the images in your mind and feel the emotions that went with it. And when the content is heart-wrenching, is it any surprise it can affect you in real life?
Last night, for the first time in a while, I had one of those family nightmares, and honestly, it was the worst one ever. In real life, my mom and I are close again while my two sisters barely speak to her. In the nightmare, long story short, one of my sisters contacted my mom with a bunch of lies about me. I was visiting my mom and she came to me and said that I had to get out, that my sister had called and explained everything to her and now she wanted me gone. My sister was flying in and my mom booked me on the next flight out! My dad, knowing better of course, just stood there and watched, never uttering a word. I started to fight for myself and tell my mom it wasn’t true but it was clear she would not believe anything I had to say. Pure hatred streamed from her eyes as she looked at me with disgust. I knew there was nothing I could do and so I left and wandered the city, trying to figure out my next move.
I woke up from the nightmare and something was different from every other time before. I felt – I felt okay. I wasn’t emotional, didn’t feel sad or hurt or angry, I was actually okay. I lie there in the bed for a while almost in shock. It felt almost like, “Yah, whatever, I am so over all that.” Holy hell – I never thought this day would actually come!
Even now, hours later, I have this feeling of an immense weight lifted off my shoulders and off my spirit. For something so seemingly small, it sure had a huge impact. I knew I had come a long way in my healing but things still got to me, if I let them, especially these nightmares. What a moment of joy to be free of that crutch!
I haven’t written in a while and so much has been happening that I want to share, a lot of which led up to this new-found freedom. There is so much more to come, dear friends!