This is going to be a tough start to 2019 I think. I so desperately wanted to go into this new year with a changed attitude. I have been in a bad place lately, dealing with a gamut of home and work issues. I had decided I wanted to try to be more positive, try to stop voicing negativity, even if I was feeling it. I wanted to not let things I can’t control get to me so much. I figured that 2018 being one of my worst years yet, 2019 just had to be better. I am 10 hours into 2019 and already the struggle seems almost unbearable.
When it’s people who cause me to be negative, mad, irritated, etc, how do I change what can’t be changed. They say that changing your thought process is enough to overcome anything. Well who the hell are “they” anyway? If nothing else changes, then my thought process is going to get beat up over and over again and how long can anyone take that? How do you stay positive like that?
I’ll go into more detail at another time but I am a strong believer in “people don’t change”. There are always exceptions of course, but in general, people don’t change unless they want to or they experience a terrible loss but even then they still may not be able to change.
In the last 10 hours I have already been hit twice. My husband and I used to have a great relationship but since he started a new career, one that is stressful and has long hours, his whole world is now his job, leaving me behind in the dust. He is always working and when he’s not, he is always checking work emails and texts. Dinner is often eaten late or cold and I struggle to get his attention. I take care of everything in the home, including my 28-year-old step-son who has never yet moved out, never lifts a finger around the house, and has started disrespecting me. He has the run of our house, sleeping all day and playing video games all night, coming and going at all hours, making food in the middle of the night, regardless of who he wakes up. My husband doesn’t like it but hasn’t nor will he ever step up and do anything about it. I feel invisible and unappreciated. When I try to talk to my husband about it, he just gets defensive. It’s gotten to where I just shut up and shut down, which is not good for a marriage.
I have tried being the better person, tried to roll with it and “be positive” but it hasn’t even remotely worked. It all just seems so unfair. I feel that whoever I am inside is getting smaller and smaller and one day will just be snuffed out, with only a hollow shell left behind. I can’t/won’t leave my husband – I really do love him. I just wish I had the man I married back. And I wish my step-son would get his own life instead of being complacent ruining ours. But how do I keep living with what I cannot change? How do I rediscover myself and make my life better when nothing else is going to change? I can’t take another year like 2018.