Tomorrow I get on a long flight back to my home state to visit a couple members of my family for a few days. If you had asked me even just a year ago if I would ever do this, I would have said you were insane. I guess time brings change, and now we will find out if it also truly heals.
I feel an odd peace about this trip, a feeling that I sincerely hope turns into a reality. I would not be going if it wasn’t for my mom’s terminal health. I saw her two years ago at my son’s wedding, but I haven’t seen my brother and sister-in-law since my father’s tragic death in 2011, and in the time since, I have been struggling with what my brother did to me as a child. I know I have not fully healed from it, don’t know that I ever really will. How do you truly heal from being molested by your own brother and then having your family basically cover it up and expect you to still love him and them?
I am anxious and apprehensive about staying at my brother’s house. I have already posted about how I don’t really have a choice. I am so tired and done with family drama and I don’t want to be the cause of more by not accepting their invitation, even though everyone else in the world would understand if I didn’t. It will be an emotional and mental challenge for me – sleeping, showering, changing clothes in HIS house with HIM there. It is almost too much of them to ask, I mean who does that? Who asks their abuse victim to stay with them? What kind of world am I living in – Bizarro World? Nope, just the screwed up world that is my family.
And so, I will put on the false smile, ignoring the giant white elephant in the room, and just do what I can to get through the next few days. I’m not sure what to talk about for three long days with these people that I feel like I barely know anymore. They sure as hell don’t know me, who I am now, who I have become. They don’t realize what they have put me through, what I have had to overcome. And they certainly don’t know the strength and courage it took just to survive. They, as usual and as always, will see me as a weak little girl, but I will know better. I will remember and embrace the strong woman I have become. No regrets.