When Emotions Collide

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Late last night, my husband came to me to see if I heard of some shocking news. My partially estranged son’s step-brother on his dad’s side died in a car accident late Friday night. He was 25 years old.

I didn’t know and so grabbed my phone to find out what I could through social media and a Google search. We found what info we could and as I tried to sleep, I found that I couldn’t – my mind became its own crash of varying and colliding emotions.

Once I got past my initial reaction of shock, as much as I hate to say it, my next emotion was anger.  My son is currently on deployment in the Navy.  You would think that his father would have contacted me to let me know what happened since it would surely affect our son. But no, I had to find out through general posts on Facebook. That just doesn’t seem right to me. I think that any other split parents would have the decency to talk to each other when it regarded their child. But then I felt selfish for feeling angry, considering what they are going through.

I aso started feeling the way I did when my father died. I haven’t dealt with a lot of death in my life.  And after my father and then with this, I am deeply struck by how we can be here one minute, living life, having plans, and then the next moment – just gone… and we don’t even know it. For some reason I really struggle with that.

I can’t imagine what they are going through, especially the mom of the young man lost. But then I think, but I CAN imagine. And then, the bad side of me comes out, the side that was so cruelly hurt by these people.  At the same time I feel deeply for their loss and grief, there is a small piece of me that thinks – now you know what it’s like to have your child ripped away from you. And I don’t really mean that, do I? I just don’t know. I’m not that type of person but they ripped my child from me, and I guess that kind of pain never truly leaves you, no matter in life or in death.

It also brought back a lot of the pain and anger of my and my son’s estrangement. He hasn’t been told yet, they are trying to get word to him, and I am angry and saddened that I won’t be able to be there for him. Our mother/son relationship was ripped away from us by the ill will of others and I hate not being allowed to be the mother my child deserves, and I miss the son I deserved.

Amd so, my emotions are colliding and I don’t feel like I am such a good person right now. Once again, I am left to grieve, over so many things, alone.

 

 

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