This saying really touched me, although I don’t think it’s really about winning. Family is such a precarious thing. What’s the saying – family is family? This is true but it doesn’t exist in a capsule free and separate from trauma, selfishness, or boundaries being inexplicably and cruelly crossed. I believe, somehow after everything, that indeed family is family and you should fight for it and value it, but sometimes families are beyond sense and logic, beyond repair. I believe my family is the latter.
I wrote a couple months ago about being internally drawn to possibly try to reach out to my sister, Sandy. Even though she is the one who caused the harm, I had to wonder if the family bond, the sisterly bond, could survive. I miss having family, not so much my family, but family in general. Rather than jump to action, I decided to wait on it and see if the feeling was real and not just caused by the loneliness of the holidays. Now that time has passed, I can say without doubt, that reaching out is not what I truly want to do. I don’t think there would really be a point.
My sister is toxic; she is a toxic person. Only a toxic person would take action to turn my family and my child against me to benefit her own sad agenda. Only a toxic person would act the childish way she did the day we took our father off life support and then again on my son’s wedding day. Happy, healthy people are not interested in hurting others willfully, especially those they are supposed to love. I have forgiven her – I know that the trauma of our childhoods affected us each differently, and we each took it to a different place within us, and I can’t truly fault her for that, even though she should know right from wrong. But, I don’t have to continue to endure it either. Just because someone is family does not give them a free pass to treat you terribly.
My life isn’t perfect but I am happy with where I am at and how far I have come. Why add something that is knowingly toxic? It would be different if she had been cordial that last couple times I saw her, if she had been at all mature, if she had shown any sense of growth and regret. But, she chose her path with her actions and reactions and she showed she has not changed at all. Whereas I grew, forgave, and realized and accepted my own fault in what happened, she has stayed and dwelled in that miserable cone of bullshit. I, for one, prefer moving forward.
In a battle of wills, no one really wins. Sometimes the only way to win is to just walk away. And that’s okay. There is no shame in it, no blame, just freedom.