If you have read my last couple posts, you know the holidays are and were a very difficult time for me. Today however, I feel such a weight has been lifted. All the stress and sadness have left my body and my mind and I am somehow left feeling a bit refreshed and renewed. It is amazing how the holidays, on their own, can bring out such terrible emotions and self-doubt.
Yes, there was a time when I felt that sadness year-round, but with the healing of the last couple years, it seems to only rear its’ ugly head during the holidays. After this particular holiday season, and after how much better I feel after, I need to remind myself next year that it IS only the holidays and to not be so hard on myself. I need to not let my emotions take control and beat me down. It’s odd to realize that just from one day to the next, that terrible weight can be lifted. I guess their is something about the holidays – in my case not having my child or extended family – that make things feel worse than they really are.
There are two interesting things I would like to share. First, I had decided months ago to not try to contact me son anymore. I will always be here if he decides to come back but until then, I can’t keep putting myself through the disappointment over and over and over again. However, on Christmas Eve, I stood outside, looking up at the vast sky of sparkling Christmas stars, and in that moment, a peace came over me and I decided to message my son. It was simple, just “Merry Christmas” and an “I love you”. It was the first time I have ever messaged him without expecting any type of response. I messaged him because I felt it was the right thing to do and I knew in my heart that his non-response would not hurt my heart this time. And so it is ironic that he actually responded. Oh, I know that had I not written to him, him would not have written to me of his own accord, but still it was a nice surprise. His was simple as well, just and “I love you too and I have some pictures to send to you”. Honestly, it kind of bugged me a little, the way he can act like nothing ever happened and nothing is wrong. It would almost have been easier had he just ignored my per usual. It just has the feel of yet another carrot being dangled in front of me. But this time, the power isn’t there to rip my heart out anymore with that carrot. I don’t have any expectation of receiving those pictures but time, as always, will tell.
Second, something quite odd happened while driving to work this morning. I was in a calm, almost peaceful mood when suddenly I had this slight desire to do something very unexpected: to try to write my sister Sandy and see if things can be patched up. (I don’t feel this way about my sister Sharon; she is not a thought to me anymore at all. Some relationships just can’t be fixed and don’t deserve to be). I have not acted on this thought; I want time to think and consider for a while, to make sure it’s real. I never thought I would ever be able to trust Sandy again – she used and hurt my child after all – but I’m kind of tired of it all. I know I have moved on for the most part but I do miss having family. What makes other families able to forgive while mine turns love into hate? Honestly, if I do decide to try it, she may have blocked my email address and may never even know I tried, but that is just how it goes. Perhaps I really am on my way to healing if I feel I may be able to do this now.
I know she will see it as my weakness, and that I have come running back, but how she views it and what reality is are often two very different things. But isn’t she tired of it all? The fake act, the defiance, the selfishness? Isn’t she tired of the weight of it all? It takes work to be so miserable. Oh, I won’t be apologizing – I have nothing to be sorry for really – but what if we could both not dig it all up and just forgive and move forward? I know we will never have what we once had but does that mean there has to be nothing at all? I know it would be a risk, but whatever she does can’t hurt me anymore. I would have the peace of knowing I tried and that would be enough. And so, I will take the time to consider this, as much time as I need. And no matter what I decide, I have to feel proud that somehow, the healing continues, and that I can be mature enough to swallow my own pride and have the courage to look towards a brighter, more loving future.