On The Way Down…

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I need some emotional support this morning, my friends. I am in a dark place. It has come on rather suddenly, as in the last few days.  I figure the holidays have something to do with it but I feel it worse right now than in many holiday seasons past, since all the family drama. I know I have been a pillar of strength for some, but I guess we all have our ups and downs, and right now I am definitely heading down.

I don’t think I can cram it all into one post. I haven’t had time to write much the last few months, and perhaps that is part of the problem. I have a job that is going well – finally!  I really like who I work with, although the job itself is a little on the stressful side right now. We have a new puppy that is trying my already dismal patience level.  I did it for my husband, even though I knew I did not want another dog after we lost ours this time last year, but sometimes we do things for the ones we love. The only problem is, now I am always on guard – potty training, sleepless nights, trying to stay patient with her- all the things that I am so bad at. So between work and home, I never relax, never feel stress-free.

There has been no contact between me and my son since May of this year. As I have posted before, I finally let go, completely – I had to. It’s not right of him to do what he has done and continues to do to me. I will always be here if he ever decides to come back but until then, I refuse to cut myself down any further; he no longer has power over me. I am still 100% estranged form my two sisters; that will never change – you can’t hurt my child to hurt me and expect to ever have me trust you ever again.  They don’t want me in their lives and I don’t want them in mine.  I think the only difference is that I forgave them and moved on; they however are still basking in there self-induced misery. My mom and I speak on occasion but it is not the relationship we once had, not even close and I know it will never be like that again.

I guess here is the thing – I miss family, especially around the holidays.  Please understand, I do not miss my family, just family in general. I have my husband and my step-son so I am not alone, but I sometimes feel so very lonely. It has crept up on my again, the loneliness. I can feel it eating away at me and my first inclination is to ignore it and hope it passes. It’s just the holidays after all, right? But a part of me feels like it is more than that this time around. Honestly, holidays have never been the same since my son did what he did, and how could it be? As a parent, it’s all about our kids, no matter how old we get. I can handle not having my sisters, and even my mom to a point, but my child?  That is something no one should have to endure.

I have some medical procedures coming up this Friday. I have been having on-going health issues and we need to rule out cancer. Here’s the thing though, if it turns out I have cancer, )although I am sure I don’t) but if I did, I don’t think I would have what it takes to fight it. I have this feeling I would just let it take me. Right now, I really hate this life and it is driving this feeling. And I am afraid to find out I am healthy, because that would mean I have to stay here, continuing to fight a battle that I am not sure I am winning anymore. It’s not so much the looking back, it’s more the looking forward and just not seeing any change, not seeing anything positive.  Have I lost the hope that I fought so hard to find?

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15 thoughts on “On The Way Down…

  1. It’s always hard, as you try to isolate yourself from those whom you used to love, and, getting over what your family members had done to you will take a lot of hard work, and you will feel that betrayal over and over again, but, eventually, after this hot-and-cold session repeated again and again, you will be healed, it’s just that the process is really hard to cope in, and, holidays are especially difficult, because you longed for the support and love of your loved ones, the most important thing for you now, is love yourself! Best wishes…

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  2. Hey there. I’ve been MIA for awhile but popped back on to check on a few things and wow, you are really hurting, it is so obvious. It is no wonder for all that you have been through and continue to go through. I’m sorry it’s so hard. The holidays… they just kind of suck sometimes. I love that my house is all decorated but it took an act of congress (and Xanax) for me to get through it, floods of abusive memories came back. It’s all seasonal stuff. And like you, in so many ways I miss my family even though I know I’ve done the right thing. I let them go and I do not contact them. Yes, it is the right thing but my heart aches. And if I found out I had cancer I don’t know if I’d have the will to fight it either.

    But if for some reason you do find out you are sick, I hope you find the will. You are worth the fight. None of those that have hurt you are worth it, but you are.

    You are such a good person. Gentle hugs to you. Be kind to yourself right now. The holidays can be such a brutal time.

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    1. Lynne!!!!! I have missed you dear friend! I haven’t been posting as much either – life got busy and I don’t always have the time to write anymore. I am hoping the new year will give me more opportunity to get back to normal, or at least my normal.

      My thoughts are with you this time of year and always! It is always comforting to know that others know and understand what I am going through. HUGS to you sweetness!

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  3. Hang in there sister! I know that’s cliche’, but it’s true. Go at turtle speed if you have, but do keep moving forward. Maybe find some others to put your heart and soul into? There are a lot of hurting people out there and they need tough souls like you.

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    1. Thank you for your supporting words. I used to have things i threw myself into but then lost interest. I guess I need to find something new. I just need to get through these holidays and then try to get myself back on track. HUGS!!

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  4. Have you seen the book called “a black dog.”? It’s basically pictures evocative of the struggles we go through with depression, low mood. I think it’s still on u tube.
    It’s a very bumpy road, and you have one almighty trough at present. I feel totally wretched every Dec due to my estranged children, and struggling to create a totally different style of Christmas with my second husband.
    I find it helps to allow myself to fully experience the pain, and explore exactly where and why. And have a built in time limit so it draws to a safe close.
    Keep writing it out. X

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    1. I haven’t but I will search for it. I have tried to move forward but holidays sen me back a few steps. I try to make a nice Christmas for my husband and step-son but inside, I will never be the same. I have hope though, hope that someday it will be different and not hurt so much. HUGS to you and for what you are going through. I know it is not easy and my hope is we all come out okay on the other side of estrangement.

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  5. Breathing with you. One can never underestimate the impact of estrangement, especially between parent and child. For me, this year, my fifth without my girls, there is no such thing as ease of pain. Pain veers its way into our soul no matter the continuation of time moving forward. My heart, how I feel yours! You writing is raw, it is you. This woman is here with you, sending love and support during this time. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh sweetness, how I wish you did not know this pain. It is unlike any other. My heart is with you as you find your way through it just as I try to find mine.

      I like your tagline “Life as I know it. Today.” Isn’t that the truth. My life and me, myself, are not what it used to be. But I keep trying to define myself by today and not by the past. Not always easy to do but I am trying. HUGS!!

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  6. I don’t think you have fully let go of your son and until you have, it will continue to tear at you. Nobody on this planet should be in charge of your happiness, not your son, your husband or the dog. You have to continue to dig and dig to find out what makes you truly happy and go for it. Don’t give up. You can do this!

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