I need some emotional support this morning, my friends. I am in a dark place. It has come on rather suddenly, as in the last few days. I figure the holidays have something to do with it but I feel it worse right now than in many holiday seasons past, since all the family drama. I know I have been a pillar of strength for some, but I guess we all have our ups and downs, and right now I am definitely heading down.
I don’t think I can cram it all into one post. I haven’t had time to write much the last few months, and perhaps that is part of the problem. I have a job that is going well – finally! I really like who I work with, although the job itself is a little on the stressful side right now. We have a new puppy that is trying my already dismal patience level. I did it for my husband, even though I knew I did not want another dog after we lost ours this time last year, but sometimes we do things for the ones we love. The only problem is, now I am always on guard – potty training, sleepless nights, trying to stay patient with her- all the things that I am so bad at. So between work and home, I never relax, never feel stress-free.
There has been no contact between me and my son since May of this year. As I have posted before, I finally let go, completely – I had to. It’s not right of him to do what he has done and continues to do to me. I will always be here if he ever decides to come back but until then, I refuse to cut myself down any further; he no longer has power over me. I am still 100% estranged form my two sisters; that will never change – you can’t hurt my child to hurt me and expect to ever have me trust you ever again. They don’t want me in their lives and I don’t want them in mine. I think the only difference is that I forgave them and moved on; they however are still basking in there self-induced misery. My mom and I speak on occasion but it is not the relationship we once had, not even close and I know it will never be like that again.
I guess here is the thing – I miss family, especially around the holidays. Please understand, I do not miss my family, just family in general. I have my husband and my step-son so I am not alone, but I sometimes feel so very lonely. It has crept up on my again, the loneliness. I can feel it eating away at me and my first inclination is to ignore it and hope it passes. It’s just the holidays after all, right? But a part of me feels like it is more than that this time around. Honestly, holidays have never been the same since my son did what he did, and how could it be? As a parent, it’s all about our kids, no matter how old we get. I can handle not having my sisters, and even my mom to a point, but my child? That is something no one should have to endure.
I have some medical procedures coming up this Friday. I have been having on-going health issues and we need to rule out cancer. Here’s the thing though, if it turns out I have cancer, )although I am sure I don’t) but if I did, I don’t think I would have what it takes to fight it. I have this feeling I would just let it take me. Right now, I really hate this life and it is driving this feeling. And I am afraid to find out I am healthy, because that would mean I have to stay here, continuing to fight a battle that I am not sure I am winning anymore. It’s not so much the looking back, it’s more the looking forward and just not seeing any change, not seeing anything positive. Have I lost the hope that I fought so hard to find?