Today is Veterans Day and I am finding that it has unfortunately brought out some latent anger in me. My estranged son is in the Navy and this day always brings out bad emotions. I was listening to the radio this morning and the DJ’s were talking about Veterans Day and how we should be thankful for those fighting for us, and I completely agree. However, my thought this morning while listening was this: how can I appreciate and thank my son for being a veteran when he also royally fucked me, his mother, over for no valid reason? (Pardon my language here, but that is exactly how my thought went). For me, today brought out anger and bitterness towards my son, feelings I thought had been layed to rest.
I guess when you have dealt with estrangement, no matter how much you heal and move forward, the feelings of pain and anger still hold on to a piece of your heart. Holidays just seem to have a way of bringing it out. There are things I will never know or understand about my estrangement, and I have finally accepted that. I had to – it was acceptance or a downward spiral into an abyss leading to death. I chose to live, chose to accept, and I will forever be grateful and proud for being able to do that. Doing so, however, does not completely repair the hole left behind, and sometimes emotion finds their way out. I guess the healing continues in being able to allow yourself to feel the emotion and then once again move forward. I simply won’t drown in it anymore.
To those out there dealing with the same pain, please know that I am with you and that I understand. You are not alone.