I’m sorry that I have been away for so long. Sometimes it seems like I have so much to say yet can’t put it into words anymore. Let me catch y’all up on how things are. I started a new job – and for the first time in about 7 years, it’s a good one! I held so much fear and anxiety in starting this job, memories of bad experiences and bad people lingering in my mind. And self doubt is so difficult to pierce. But, I now work with good people in a great environment – such a relief, I can’t even tell you. It’s amazing sometimes how we are ruled by our fear, ruled by past experiences, ruled by what others may or may not think about us. I’m glad I have never given in and that I have kept trying, even though there were times when the black void almost swallowed me whole. No, that’s not quite right – it swallowed me piece by piece. But I clawed my way out, mostly anyway. I think a piece will always hold on; I am not blind to that. I guess I just need to keep more of me out of the void rather than in.
I still have not heard at all from my son. So much for the “I promise to keep in better touch, mom.” But I knew it was just words when he spoke them. I guess that’s why it didn’t rip my heart out, at least not as much as all the other times. I have transitioned from continuing to hold on to finally letting go, completely. Life must go on and we all deserve love and respect. And if those are taken from us, withheld from us, we have to keep living, to keep moving forward in life. We are not bound to the action or inaction of others, blood lines or otherwise.
My relationship with my mother is minimal at best. I try to call her every once in a while, attempt to keep some contact. The problem is, she had told me a while back to call more, to which I responded that she never calls me either. Just like with my son, she agreed to stay in better contact, but alas my mom never calls me. It is always me that reaches out to see how she is doing. It saddens me, it still makes me feel anxious, it still makes me feel guilty, even though I was the one that got hurt. Acceptance, after all, is a long-term struggle.
My siblings – nothing has really changed, still no contact with either of my sisters and that is a mutual decision. I will never allow them back in my life, not that they would ever want to be. A lot can be forgiven, but not when you mess with someone’s child. My brother, we really only talk is it’s about our mom or if we like/comment on each other’s Facebook pages, something I have stopped doing actually. The only time he comments on something is when he disagrees with it and then has to explain why you are wrong. I don’t need that in my life. Honestly, I see this as a terrible insecurity on his part. And why should I seek his approval after what he did to me as a child? Shouldn’t he be seeking my approval? I swear, everything in my family is so damn backwards. It’s our own personal version of Bazarro World!
My health issues continue. I have received a couple small diagnosis’ (hormonal imbalance, vitamin deficiencies) but a larger one is still out there. I see a Rheumatologist next month. The thought right now by my family physician, based on symptoms, is that I may have some type of autoimmune disease. Upon research, I learned that those diagnosis’ can take years to figure out – oh, the joy. But I am just trying to except how it is and that I can’t change it. I guess, as with everything else, only time will tell.