Drowning In The Void


I almost titled this “Falling Inside The Black” but I wasn’t sure how many would know what I meant by it. Actually, “void” isn’t even the correct word right now as I am drowning in everything BUT the void!

“Falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths can I ever go back
Dreaming of the way it used to be
Can you hear me?
Falling in the black
Slipping through the cracks
Falling to the depths can I ever go back
Falling inside the black
Falling inside, falling inside the black”

These are lyrics to the chorus of Falling Inside the Black by Skillet. There have been times in my life when the black was indeed a complete void but right now, the blackness is filled with anxieties and confusion. I hate the void!

I have been having some medical issues for about a year now, and so far completely undiagnosed. I live in increasing physical pain every day and no one has yet to tell me why. All over joint pain and muscle/tendon pain in my arms and legs are making my life difficult; routine things are difficult and hurt more than I usually admit. It is hard to prepare food, to do house or yard work, hell – I have trouble getting dressed. I am also experiencing numerous other symptoms along with the pain. Without a diagnosis, people in my life think I am exaggerating. If they only knew!

So far, doctors have tested me for Rheumatoid Arthritis and Lupus – negative results. I am currently waiting on tests results for thyroid and certain vitamin deficiencies. I have a feeling those will be negative as well. I also had a normal MRI which ruled out MS. The thing that gets me – I had to switch doctors because once the first tests came back negative, the doctor stopped trying to figure out what was wrong and just wanted to put me on a drug, a drug with side affects the same as my damn symptoms. NO! I will not be on some drug forever, especially without even knowing what the problem is!

The doctor I have now is at least trying, but I am afraid of what will happen if everything else is negative. I keep thinking there HAS to be a reason for such widespread, long-term pain – I am not crazy here – this is NOT all in my head! I am waking up in the morning now feeling down, not wanting to get up as I know it will hurt and I feel almost helpless. I have’t even been writing my blog posts because I feel so out of touch right now. And it doesn’t help when I can tell my loved ones don’t believe me. Β Just like the doctor, they need to see a test result proving the pain.

I am trying to find a job in the midst of all this and I feel no motivation what-so-ever. I am literally drowning in the void, falling inside the black. I have always heard that pain can cause depression, and I am starting to understand why.


(Image copied from Google Images)


18 thoughts on “Drowning In The Void

  1. I have psioratic arthritis. It leaves no markers in the blood. L don’t get the typical swollen sausage fingers and toes. My wrists and ankles swell a bit, and they and my hands and feet are always sore. Many other joints affected.
    Comes with tiredness, background aches, searing short pains, sore throat and dry eyes. My breast bone gets a bump like half an egg when I am really bad, which some have. Also most have a very sore under the foot on the point highest away from the floor when you are stood.
    Usually you have psoriasis first, or/ankolosing spondylitis. I didn’t.
    But if any above are in your family genes, probably worth looking at.
    All the best. In the meantime antiinflammatories can help. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have read about that in my search for an answer, but I lack the skin issues. I did find out I am borderline low on vitamins D and B-12 and I am slightly anemic (I am guessing from the B-12 deficiency). All of those can cause some of the symptoms I have, but it’s hard to believe I am in THIS much pain from just vitamin deficiencies. I am taking supplements now and have to have my female hormones checked in a couple weeks. I did get a referral to a Rheumatologist but no appointment set yet. Meanwhile money just keeps floating out the door. Thank you for you input; it is very much appreciated! I hope you are doing well at this point. πŸ™‚


      1. I do not have psoriasis. It is unusual but still occurs. The vit B12 deficiency actually does have your type of symptoms. Apparently sometimes misdiagnosed as ME , fibromyalgia, or chronic fatigue syndrome.


  2. It’s a coincidence I posted a few days ago on a bit of a similar topic – I have chronic pain from several conditions and I know how we feel about it and how others perceive it / us, and doctors’ reactions, is really complicated and often distressing. I’m really sorry you’re feeling so bad physically. Nobody can see how hard things are for you or take an objective measure of how much pain you’re in. I have found some help through getting diagnoses – it did make everything feel more real and “allowed” and help a bit with doctors or explaining to other people. However it wasn’t the complete answer – so many chronic pain conditions aren’t totally visible on the outside and that can be hard. You are really really strong to keep going. Every little thing you do has value and it’s all the more of an achievement as you are struggling so hard through this. Sending hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for you support! It’s nice to have a little. I remember I used to feel bad for those in chronic pain every day, not being able to even imagine what that must be like – and now here I am in pain everyday, so far unexplained or mostly unexplained.


      1. I’m really sorry I’ve only just seen your reply. I’ve been missing loads of notifications, it turns out, because I didn’t know where to look! I’m so sorry that you are suffering. It’s clear that you have lots of empathy with other people in this situation and you did even before you were in this position yourself. I’m really sorry to hear how things are for you. I’ve had pain since I was 12 and I hate to think of other people going through similar xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you. Are you able to see a GP who is willing to investigate what can be done to help your symptoms? I know it sounds like you’ve had a hard time with that…xx


  3. So sorry to hear you’re suffering. I recently read a little cartoon book called, ‘pain is really strange’. You might find it interesting. It talks about how pain isn’t something we can see on scans or in tests, which makes it hard to treat. I’ve also read a bit about generalised chronic pain and trauma – not that it is imagined or psychosomatic, but that it is really somatic – emotional pain stored in the body’s tissues. Not something any doctor will give a diagnosis for! Hope you find some relief soon. Laura

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I don’t have any helpful suggestions but doctors don’t know everything and can often worsen symptoms unintentionally. I cannot say that the body can heal everything (e.g. restore a lost limb) but the process of health care… needs to involve care. So I hope you can get the right doctors, and the right support.

    In the past, I had a lot of careless care, and so a major problem was misdiagnosed, and remains so, in the eyes of many doctors, to this day… but I have to every day take care of myself and at times withdraw from people to manage my body, because it is easy to forget that we inhabit finite flesh, and it needs continual investment and a bit of luck and fortune to be maintained.

    All I can say, is, to put your health first and that includes your emotional health… if people don’t believe you then stick closer to those who do, and who can help at least emotionally, if not physically.

    It will both speed your recovery and help a lot in other parts of life.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m wondering if there is not a buildup of toxins in your body. I might suggest an inner body cleanse from the health food store if you would be interested. It might also make a diagnosis easier if the toxins were removed. Anyway, sorry about the pain. This is what came to mind. Hope this helps.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel for you. I’ve been in your shoes trying to find a diagnosis for basically the same symptoms that you mentioned. I have now been diagnosed with CRPS or RSD. Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Look it up and see what you think. It’s worth looking into. I never heard of it before until I actually got diagnosed. It’s HELL. It’s destroyed my life in so many ways. But I am SO thankful at least for the diagnosis so that I know what I’m dealing with.

    Good luck. And FIGHT until you get some answers. Kudos for going to another doctor and not giving up. You deserve the best healthcare possible and sadly not many people ever get that. No one should have to fight for something that they are entitled to but if that’s what you have to do, then do it. I really hope you find some answers ASAP so that maybe you can get some relief.


    Liked by 2 people

    1. That doesn’t sound good at all – I feel for you! I looked it up and some things fit but others don’t. I am in pain almost all over in varying ways. I am not giving up though, or trying not to. I am at the start of my diagnostic journey unfortunately. It has helped to know that others understand the struggle – thank you!


  7. I was going to write a post about the same thing today. It took ten years to get diagnosed with muscle disease. People thought i exaggerated, was all in my head,etc. then i was diagnosed with lyme disease on top of that a few years ago.mi was tested for lyme through the igenix lab which is more accurate. But the doctors and testing and opinions and everything is so exhausting so indo feel for you!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

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