This image actually made me laugh when I first saw it. “Yes – that’s it – that is exactly right!” 🙂 Seriously though, no image more properly gets me than this.
I have spent a lifetime wishing people could understand me, waiting for that one person that gets me, understands me, and accepts me for exactly how I am, damage and all. I thought I had found that person once, but alas it wasn’t true. But as I look back, I realize that he didn’t even really know me, at least not the real me, the one I kept hidden deep inside. What I showed him was in fact me, but only parts of me, the parts that I knew were acceptable.
There is a literary quote by Mark Twain, “Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anyone.” Can there be more truth written? The problem is, there is often no understanding for the bright side let alone the dark.
I have a dark side, with multiple layers. I believe everyone does to some degree.
- If anyone could watch my childhood played out on the big screen, the incest I endured by family members, they would see and feel a darkness like no other. I carry this darkness with me when memories break out and haunt me out of nowhere. I have never shared the details of that abuse with anyone in my life, not even my husband. I simply can’t; it would be too much to take, for him and for me.
- The words and actions used against me by many of my family members these last few years has left me with a new darkness – anger and rage. It is a darkness that overwhelms from the inside out. It would eat me alive if I let it. I keep it well hidden and hope that someday I will be able to let it go.
- I believe that no one will ever love me a much as I love them and I do not believe that anyone could truly love me. This is perhaps the saddest of the darkness within me. In a strange way though, this is what I was taught – the moment my brother and then my father touched me as a young girl, I was taught that I was not lovable, but instead merely usable. The minute that same family turned their backs on me, I was taught that I was not worthy of even a family’s love. Sexual and emotional abuse at its finest.
- And my last true darkness, I am not afraid of dying. I would never do it on purpose, but if a illness or accident took my out, at least I would be free of the chains that have bound me here on earth.
- I have other darkness within me, but I dare not put words to it.
I am not writing this out of sadness or despair, but rather to show that we all have a side to us, thoughts, actions, wants, that we do not share and that we are afraid of. But with the darkness, follows light. We don’t have to let the darkness overwhelm us, control us. It is part of who we are but we have the power to overcome and to make a better life for ourselves. Would I be as understanding and accepting as I am had I not been to hell and back in my own life? I don’t believe so. The things that happened to me gave me a strength that allows me to reach out and embrace those who are suffering, to let them know that there is someone who understands after all. Darkness doesn’t make us bad, it gives us an opportunity to grow beyond it, in spite of it even. Sometimes it is our own understanding that leads to healing, not that of others.
Do you know your own darkness?