We All Have A Darkness Within Us

Words

This image actually made me laugh when I first saw it. “Yes – that’s it –  that is exactly right!” 🙂  Seriously though, no image more properly gets me than this.

I have spent a lifetime wishing people could understand me, waiting for that one person that gets me, understands me, and accepts me for exactly how I am, damage and all. I thought I had found that person once, but alas it wasn’t true. But as I look back, I realize that he didn’t even really know me, at least not the real me, the one I kept hidden deep inside. What I showed him was in fact me, but only parts of me, the parts that I knew were acceptable.

There is a literary quote by Mark Twain, “Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anyone.” Can there be more truth written? The problem is, there is often no understanding for the bright side let alone the dark.

I have a dark side, with multiple layers. I believe everyone does to some degree.

  • If anyone could watch my childhood played out on the big screen, the incest I endured by family members, they would see and feel a darkness like no other. I carry this darkness with me when memories break out and haunt me out of nowhere. I have never shared the details of that abuse with anyone in my life, not even my husband. I simply can’t; it would be too much to take, for him and for me.
  • The words and actions used against me by many of my family members these last few years has left me with a new darkness – anger and rage. It is a darkness that overwhelms from the inside out. It would eat me alive if I let it. I keep it well hidden and hope that someday I will be able to let it go.
  • I believe that no one will ever love me a much as I love them and  I do not believe that anyone could truly love me. This is perhaps the saddest of the darkness within me. In a strange way though, this is what I was taught – the moment my brother and then my father touched me as a young girl, I was taught that I was not lovable, but instead merely usable. The minute that same family turned their backs on me, I was taught that I was not worthy of even a family’s love. Sexual and emotional abuse at its finest.
  • And my last true darkness, I am not afraid of dying. I would never do it on purpose, but if a illness or accident took my out, at least I would be free of the chains that have bound me here on earth.
  • I have other darkness within me, but I dare not put words to it.

I am not writing this out of sadness or despair, but rather to show that we all have a side to us, thoughts, actions, wants, that we do not share and that we are afraid of. But with the darkness, follows light. We don’t have to let the darkness overwhelm us, control us. It is part of who we are but we have the power to overcome and to make a better life for ourselves. Would I be as understanding and accepting as I am had I not been to hell and back in my own life? I don’t believe so. The things that happened to me gave me a strength that allows me to reach out and embrace those who are suffering, to let them know that there is someone who understands after all. Darkness doesn’t make us bad, it gives us an opportunity to grow beyond it, in spite of it even. Sometimes it is  our own understanding that leads to healing, not that of others.

Do you know your own darkness?

 

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “We All Have A Darkness Within Us

  1. My dark side helps me survive, protects me against things I am vulnerable to and I find it more positive than my brighter side. Though the dark side of mine is pretty much visible to people but not in its raw from. It’s like moon rotates and dark side comes to light but we see it in immense brightness so can’t tell the difference.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is such a valuable point of view – thank you for sharing it. I know how darkness can be a self-preservation tool; I have been there, deep in it too. Our world, our live, is a game of contrast between the light and dark, not a competition. HUGS to you!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is very powerful. Being able to recognize what you have told us in this post is moving. Strong words, I know. This post was something I needed to read today. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This was really cool. Weird word to use I know. But I loved this writing and said” this was so cool” because it had such a truth and realness to it. It was so honest and made me think. I really connected to it.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s