I am having one of those days. You know the ones – where for whatever reason, you start doubting and start feeling like a failure again. It’s a day when I wish I still had close family to talk to. I miss being able to have meaningful conversations with my mom or my sisters, but that has been gone for years now. Estrangement is a terrible thing and we are all different people now anyway. I have one real friend and my husband of course, but often they don’t truly understand and just tell me that everything will be okay or it’s not as bad as I think – so NOT what I need to hear in moments like this. I need to hear – “I understand” – “the way you are feeling is okay, it’s understandable” – “I’ll help you get through this”.
It’s one of those days where I wish I was more normal, more able to handle things in normal emotional ways. I am regretting not taking that job – oh, I would have been completely miserable working there which would have been a bad thing for me, but there are no other jobs out there so far and I am starting to worry. And then if I do get another job, what if I have issues with it too? God I just want to be more normal. I have been looking for “work from home” opportunities but they are few and far between, if they are not a scam that is.
You want to know the one and only thing I am jealous of with one of my sisters? She went and found herself a sugar-daddy husband and she doesn’t work anymore. I envy that. I would still do something though – volunteer or open my own business, but at least I wouldn’t have to work or be under someone else. Oh man, I sound so whiny today and for that I am sorry. I guess we are all allowed our bad days, as long as we come back from them.
Sometimes, I just need a hug I guess…