Suuuure They’re Nice Guys

Just Friends

I am frustrated right now and as I explain, please know that I realize this is a generalization and that there are always exceptions. Here is my question – Is there really no such thing as a “nice guy”?

I have had two separate experiences this last year that have me wondering if a guy is only nice when he thinks your pretty or has naughty intentions with you. Let me explain.

A few months ago, I was walking every day around my neighborhood in an effort to get more fit, and many times this one guy would be out in his front yard. The first time I saw him, he had stopped his lawn mower to wave and say “hi”. It was a simple exchange that left me thinking, “Wow, people in Texas really are nicer and more friendly.” We then exchanged waves whenever we saw each other.  One day, a Mother’s Day, I was on a walk and he drove by to say “Happy Mother’s Day” to me.  Ok, this was my first red flag because he drove out of his way to do this but okay – really nice guy, right? But then, one day I received a Facebook message from him saying how much he loved watching me “walk” around the neighborhood, complete with a smiley with its eyes bugging out.  WTF?  He’s married with kids! And he knew I was married because he had also seen my on walks with my husband. Suddenly, I felt very different about my “nice” neighbor. It made me feel so uncomfortable that I stopped taking walks so I wouldn’t have to pass by his house. I thought this was just some isolated incident of one guy just being a jerk, but…

Second incident – we just recently moved and so I had to leave my last job in Texas. I worked with a bunch of guys then and they were all really nice. One guy in particular was nicer to me than the others but I thought nothing of it, our personalities just kinda jived more. We kept in touch by Facebook after I left and one day he messaged me to tell me how much “they missed me” and how they wished I come back.  It made feel good, appreciated. But then I got a message yesterday about how he likes me better than my replacement because I am prettier and have a better personality. Yet again, he is married and he knows I am married. He wrote that he could tell me now and not get into trouble. What?  What in the hell is going on here?

What is about me that screams, “Hey! Looky here! Me! I’m willing to cheat!”? Is it the way I carry myself? The way I talk? Was I just ignorant to believe that there are truly nice guys who don’t have ulterior thoughts or motives? Or it something I am doing that I am not aware of? What ever happened to look but don’t touch, or in this case, don’t reveal?

I know this is probably just two isolated cases, but it is enough to make me doubt men who are nice to me. I have been trying to re-find my sense of humanity in this word and this just isn’t helping. Honestly, with my childhood, I just can’t help but let it seep into my subconscious that guys only want one thing from me. I know I shouldn’t look at it this way, but how can I not? It’s like an endless cycle. I used to let men use me, well not let them, but it was in hopes that they would actually love me and want me, which never happened. It was my fault just as much as theirs – but my childhood taught me that love equals sex. Thankfully, I finally learned that isn’t true, but not until after many mistakes that ripped my self-esteem to shreds.

So to all you guys out there I pose this age old question – can men actually be just friends with a woman?

 

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26 thoughts on “Suuuure They’re Nice Guys

  1. Yes, a guy and a girl can be friends and that too in the truest sense of the word friends. If you may care to refer to the page Things I could never say you might be able to understand that not all men think about sex even when in love in some cases. Its more about maturity and sensibility. Trust me I am not saying I am or other men are saints, everyone thinks about it and everyone strays as well but a lot depends on where you divert your straying mind.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish that I could say I had different experiences. When I was younger (and thinner) there were a few times at work when I experienced sexual harassment and one time that may have bordered on sexual assault, or a possible attempt. And I work at a Sheriff’s Office!! I am now in my 40s and very overweight and I also carry myself differently. Over the years I just became defensive. At the time I don’t know if it was just “normal” or something that I was doing. And I feel very strongly (wrong or not) that my excess weight keeps men away. It does work even though I know logically if I was more fit I could better defend myself.

    It’s not right.

    I do have one very good male friend who I trust. He is married and I believe that even if I were thin and attractive he would not be that way towards me. But it took until I was in my 40s to find a safe male friend.

    I’m sorry you had to experience that. It’s so very wrong of these 2 men. I wish I could provide more insight or tell you this is odd. But I just don’t know.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lynne! I have missed you sweetness! I hope you are doing okay. I figured I was not the only one experiencing this. My weight has actually been up and down my whole life. When I am thinner, I notice more stares, but this happened at a bigger weight for me. Sometimes I feel like my eyes give my emotional scars away and some men see it and go for it, thinking I am an easy mark, and there was a point in my life where I was, but not anymore. I have come too far and realized too many things and I won’t allow myself to be used anymore, at least not when I can help it.

      Please don’t let others define how you feel about yourself and how you keep yourself. Easier said than done, I know!! I am working on the very same thing. Let’s do it together my dear friend! HUGS!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve missed you too. I just haven’t written too much lately. I’m doing OK.

        I think for me a lot of it is that I’m just not as friendly as I used to be. And I’m OK with that. Frankly, there’s not much that I like about many of my co-workers. We are very different. We all get along but not like good friends.

        Like

  3. I heard a radio show one time where the host stated, guys can NEVER be friends with a woman unless he is gay or trying to get down her pants.

    It pissed me off hearing that, because I had all kinds of friends that were women…
    …and then one day I realized I am bisexual.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So the neighbor is clearly creepy. It’s probably erotic or romantic (or both), but it might be some other kind of neurotic emotional need or some other pathology. Either way, you’re not childhood friends or family, and so you’re not obligated to help him work through his issues. Is he unhappily married? He needs help — but, again, not your responsibility. Also: DON’T LET HIS ISSUES PUNISH YOU BY ROBBING YOU OF WALKS. Simply avoid his street, or flip him the bird and say “fuck off” while you stare cold-faced straight-ahead, not missing a step. That’s what we’d do here in Boston. ;-D

    The second guy doesn’t sound creepy to me, from what you’ve written. Again, from what I read, he sounds like he’s fawning, and is more likely to worship you than to proposition you. The fact that he restrained voicing his admiration while you were near, only to feel like he could finally voice them when you were far away (and that he was safe from backlash), while indicative of a blurry boundary, doesn’t strike me as unsafe. In the past, I have gratefully acknowledged such things when women have admitted them to me; I do not, however, feed it.

    For nearly all of the men I know, intimacy needs sex, and sex fuels intimacy. Of course the two things are not the same, but there is a reason why sex is called “making love”. This is why intimacy across the sexes is, as someone wrote above, “a minefield”. It is not too difficult, in friendships across the sexes, to fall in love. What is worse: it can sneak up on you, or on the other person — or worse, both. “[…] illness or drunkenness or love or some other misfortune”, as Plato wrote (_The Republic_, III.396d, Allen translation p.84)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hmm, that is a lot to take in, and valuable. I have to say that I agree with your assessment of each. The ex-coworker perhaps finally did feel it was safe to just say something. I don’t hold it against him like I do the ex-neighbor. I like how you state “do not fee it” – and I think that is the valuable part. I have had friends that I did develop some kind of attraction to or feelings for, but never acted on it. Thank you for your words – they have actually helped me a lot. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You never know what is going on in someone’s marriage. Relationships that suffer brokenness, poor communication, boredom, lack of trying, uncommitted partners, etc. lead to all manner of trouble not only for the couple, but for those who become involved with a single party of that relationship.

    Also, some people (men and women, though primarily men) are just creeps.

    It isn’t you. Men (and I’m just going to pick on the men) are subject to straying eyes. This coupled with a society that encourages the indulgence of any desire that strikes your fancy, portrays all people as overly sexual beings unable to resist their primal urges, demonizes the concept of relationship commitment, and promotes an “if it feels good, do it” mindset, it is no wonder men feel enabled to step beyond their appropriate boundaries.

    It isn’t an excuse. It doesn’t justify the out of line behavior. And, importantly, it isn’t your fault.

    Boundaries are important. Relationships that desire to delve deeper than their proper confines (work, school, etc.), ought to include you and your husband. The gents who want to be “friends,” yet not include your husband (whether they are married or not), should read as a red flag that they desire more than just to be friends.

    I apologize for your dealing with some of these gents; we (men) can be quite stupid.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Oh believe me – I have seen women do it to! Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I agree there is a mentality out there of do what you want. When I lived in California, there was so much cheating and swinging going on with people I knew, both personally and professionally. I never understood it. I guess I get it but I could never do it. There is just too much to risk, both physically and emotionally. It seems the “line” gets smaller and grayer…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I do think it’s possible to be friends with the opposite sex if there is a mutual respect not just for each other, but for the respective relationships. You were right to cut communication off as soon as that first red flag came up to make it clear that what they are saying/doing is NOT okay.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for your response. It is such a tricky road I guess. I do think you are right – respect is key. I think if you are married, even if you have those thoughts, you need to keep them to yourself.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. So, as a guy who is happily married and who is not interested in anyone besides my wife, here’s the takeaway on several points you brought up.
    1) There is a bunch of creepy guys out there. I’m truly sorry about that and what you have had to deal with and go through. Fact is, there is just a bunch of creepy people out there period. I have to deal with the situation from the other way around constantly. Women know I’m married, but that doesn’t seem to stop them from trying to get more intimate than they should, married women included. If one is nice and attractive, it seems like we are constantly flicking these parasites off. Therefore we learn to set up boundaries. They’re effective, but sometimes thy can leave us feeling a little lonely.
    2) Life is spiritual and spirits are magnets. It is good to cleanse ourselves from past experiences once in a while. Once we personally overcome in an area of our lives, sadly, this is not the end of it. Trauma attaches certain spirits to a soul. As long as these spirits remain, they continue to attract the same kind of spirits to our soul that caused our original trauma in the first place. Very few realize this. So if a creepy married man may have caused us trauma in our past and left an attached spirit, creepy married men will continue to be attracted like magnets until that spirit that was installed through trauma is removed. The only way I know of to remove these is spiritual removal. Please ask if you are interested.
    3) If it is a spiritual thing, it won’t matter how you carry yourself. All of this happens in the unseen, the spiritual, where our soul is read like a book. The solution is a change in the spiritual, a change in the narrative within the book. It’s invisible, but its effective.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Such a wonderful and insightful response – thank you! You know, I have read many times about how women who were abused in childhood do somehow draw more abuse as adults. That’s why I wonder if I am unknowingly exhibiting something that draws the creeps in.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You are probably not exhibiting anything more than the next person on the outside.
        There is a thing called transference of spirits. It is something that comes into play with people that have been sexually and/or traumatically abused in any way.
        In a normal marriage relationship spirits are transferred between partners during sex. This is a spiritual reality. If the partners are clean in their relationship, this is a good thing as these partners become One in spirit.
        However, if one is sexually abused, there are unwanted spirits transferred – usually of the nature of the abuser. These spirits become an overlay on a victim. These abusive spirits now attract other souls of the same ilk. The solution is to cleanse one’s soul of these unwanted spirits transferred in this way. Then the magnetism between these kinds of spirits is cut off.
        If you are not into these kind of spiritual concepts, this might be hard for you to wrap your mind around.
        Much of what it takes to be free from harassment in this world involves realignment within our soul.

        Liked by 2 people

  8. The short answer is: yes, it is possible; but, it’s totally a minefield. Sorry for your bad experiences. May you have more pleasant ones in the future!

    Liked by 4 people

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