Have you ever been on the mend, carefully arranging life’s dominoes, standing each one up as you heal that particular piece, only to have something come along and knock the whole damn thing down? Have you ever been so emotionally messed up that you can’t even tell what’s real anymore?
Yesterday – yesterday my dominoes were knocked down and snuffed out. My new job, the one I was so anxious about, turned out to be a disaster and I walked away after 2 and 1/2 days. It started out okay, nothing special but doable. It is a difficult job but I don’t shy away from that anymore. But give me a harsh, doesn’t listen, know-it-all-but-doesn’t-really-know-anything boss, and you might as well just kill me right on the spot. Ever since the family crap, I can’t handle that type of personality. The frustration and rage start building inside me and it isn’t a good thing, not a good thing at all.
All the old fears and insecurities have risen back to the surface and it has me thinking – am I so emotionally messed up that I can’t even tell the difference between fear and logic anymore? Did I quit out of fear of not being able to do that job, or out of the logic in knowing that I can’t work day in and day out with someone like that? I left because I am not emotionally stable enough to handle that type of personality. I don’t want to be stressed out that much every damn day. I’m thinking it just wasn’t the right fit for me. But damn if my head isn’t confused about the whole situation. Sometimes I really hate me, the way I am. Why can’t I just be more normal? But then I think – how can I be normal with everything that has happened to me?
It leads me to ponder though – what is the difference between emotionally stability and mental stability? I know I am emotionally mixed up. I am better than I was years ago but clearly I still have some issues. Does that mean that I am therefore mentally unstable? I want to say ‘no’ but aren’t they kind of related? I don’t know what I am trying to express here; I guess I am just trying to work through this twist. I have to look for a job again and I will afraid all over again. I guess I can’t expect to heal everything all at once. And the truth is, this started the chain of knocking down my dominoes, but I stopped it. Yes, a few have fallen but I won’t let those few take down all the rest. I have come too far for that – I have to take my power back when and where I can. Hopefully someday, those fallen dominoes can stand tall again too. I won’t let this break me.