Well my friends, I had a job interview last week, the first after our move. I was so anxious to go into it, feeling old, false insecurities rising to the surface like air bubbles in a calm ocean, and knowing I haven’t been able to find my words lately. There hasn’t any jobs in my field out there lately so this interview was very important. I did the best I could and somehow, they loved me and hired me!
So why was I more sad than happy? ‘Never ask a question you don’t already know the answer to’ and I know this answer – I am scared to death! I am remembering 10 years ago when I was rising up in my career. Not much truly scared me and I just had this way about me that knew exactly what to say or do in any given situation. Since my family traumas, I have lost all that. I am now insecure about everything!
With work, I am very good at what I do, and even so, I feel that if I make even just one mistakes, then people will think I’m an idiot and doubt me. In my heart, I know this isn’t true, but in my head, the negative thoughts jump leaps and bounds over logic and sensibility, squashing them down to dust. When your harsh childhood molds you into a perfectionist, when that perfectionism falters, it creates a powerful storm within.
But with as afraid as I am, I will take this step forward! I have to, for me. I don’t want to let fear control my life anymore, to dictate the things I miss out on. I won’t lie – I am scared and anxious. But I know I just have to get through the first week or two of training and then things will start to be normal, start to have routine. I think the hardest thing for me will be controlling my emotions, especially anger. With all the work I have done to heal, I still come to rage far too easily, usually when I feel wronged or taken advantage of or when someone doesn’t listen – this is what my family caused in me. It’s an emotion that is difficult to control. I am working on it though.
I start work on Monday. I just need to remember to breathe….