When Anger Surfaces

butterfly-moment-gun-legler

Ahhh, anger. An emotion I have come to know too well these last few years. This image is striking but it is how I feel inside when the anger hits, bounds up in knots and unsure of myself. But notice the little butterfly – it’s sitting there, calming me, letting her know that the anger must not control me and this too shall pass. It is not all darkness.

I have learned to deal with many of the emotions that my family trauma brought out in me. Anger though, it holds on, hiding in the shadows, just waiting for that spark to ignite internal rage.

I have kept it at bay for a while now, until this last weekend when it reared its ugly head. We are in the process of moving. We are renting the house we currently live in and are moving out of. We have two more weeks before the movers arrive. The owner decided to re-list the rental now instead of waiting until we are out. So we have had to clean up and somewhat stage the house so that it looks all nice and neat, putting away personal everyday items. The real estate agent is pissing me off. We keep a fairly tidy house but I did deep cleaning and took it upon myself to stage the house better in trying to help them out. I didn’t have to do this, was not asked to do this, it’s just how I am. The real estate agent came in to take pictures and didn’t seem happy with anything, asking me to remove more things and do this and do that – well we are NOT the owners and we still have to live here for a couple more weeks! Then she said that our son’s bedroom stinks and can we please light a vanilla candle or something when people come to look at the house. Excuse me?  Yes, our son’s room has a scent; he’s in his early 20’s and never leaves his room. I had already lit a warming candle in the kitchen that was filling the house. I just felt she was out of line saying that and the way she said it just really rubbed me the wrong way. I felt like I had done all that work and it wasn’t even appreciated.

All of the sudden, my anger began surge forth in a nasty aura of red. I tried to stop and ask myself – why am I so angry? It was minor issues, so why was the anger surfacing? After some reflection, I realized it took me back to the family trauma and drama. It was taking me back to feeling unappreciated and taken advantage of. It was me doing everything I could to help a situation but it not being good enough. It was about me needing to be perfect and putting myself in a situation where it wasn’t noticed or appreciated. Oh boy – this is the biggest issue I am still working on, and it’s the one I will struggle with greatly when I got to find a new job and begin working in an unknown situation with unknown people.

Then, we were informed that people will be calling to schedule a look at the house, calls which can come at any time, so now we are being put out, our normal routines and lives are being disrupted and it isn’t even our house! It happened last night – we got a call just before we were about to start dinner, so we had to rush to tidy up and put personal items away. For some reason, at that point, I was LIVID! I was far more angry than I should have been; I think it had built up with everything going on. Let’s just say that unfortunately, a couple adult beverages calmed me down.

I know this is something I need to work on. At least I am aware of where the feelings are coming from and that the anger is manifesting from them – old feelings, old emotions, old insecurities. Being aware is half the healing process after all. I will keep working on it – I just need to get through the next couple weeks of strangers coming in and out of our home. I need to calm myself and realize that it will all be over soon enough.

 

(Image taken from Google Images)

 

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “When Anger Surfaces

  1. Real estate agents are such a nuisance! I am sorry to hear of this predicament you are in.It is truly difficult to keep calm with so much of hassle and uncertainty all around.I wish you all strength and patience.Always be conscious of your breathing pace.Try to breathe deeply and slowly when you feel losing control.I hope this passes soon!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. it was the owner’s choice to list the rental while you are still living there – personally I wouldn’t do anything different if they want to show it how it is that’s their choice – if not they need to wait until you’re moved out.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It is good that you realize the triggers. The next step is to renounce the situations that once made them triggers in the first place. This is a kind of spiritual clearing, clearing of accepted errors that we keep coming back to. Once we see these issues as for what they really are and not for what they did to us when they were imposed on us, we can get on to that sweet place of no longer reacting to them as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ah, I know this feeling soo well, too. Work not being appreciated, not even acknowledged. This is one my biggest issues, too – so I feel with you! I think it is aweful to have strangers in your house and having to put away personal items all the time. So I think your anger and stress are justified. It is a shame your landlord puts you through this. I use to get very angry if people force me to change my plans, expectations etc. One counsellor once told me that there are people who are not willing to meet your expectations and there are people who are not capable of doing so, because they just lack empathy. Whenever I am very angry with people I try to ask myself what category they fall into and why. It helps me to deal with anger shorttime and brings somethings into perspective. Hang on in there!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s actually a great idea – trying to see what kind of person they are. This helps me too, being aware of not only myself but of them. I would never put tenants through such a thing. I will say, I do struggle with high and/or unrealistic expectations. That and anger are the things I still struggle with deeply. HUGS to you my dear!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s