“Never borrow trouble. Imaginary things are harder to bear than real ones.” (Robert Louis Stevenson) Oh man – this one is probably the step I need to work on the most! I am the queen of imagining the worst when I don’t have information or when things are out of my control.
This has been my whole life but especially the last 6 years, with all the family drama and trauma. When you are turned away and no one talks to you and you see bad things happening but don’t understand why, all you are left with is your imagination. This consumed my life these last six years. Well, at least the five before this last one.
My imagination ran wild, especially with my sisters and their childish games. I got to see bits and pieces, mostly when they intentionally tried to hurt me in so many obvious ways. Let me tell you, when you have been hurt bad enough and often enough, you become suspicious of everything and everyone; you become paranoid. When someone you love has done something to you that you never could have imagined (turning your child against you, for example), you start to imagine the worst everywhere. Why wouldn’t you? I guess you may not be able to understand unless you have been there.
I do know that my imagination was far worse than realty, a lot anyway (although some did turn out to be real). But if I imagined the worst, then I couldn’t be hurt by it, right? The truth is that I will never know the truth of what happened and why. I may get bits and pieces of it here and there, but it will never come together as a full, cohesive picture. The thing is, the things I imagined hurt me. Just thinking those things could be true helped rip my heart to shreds. I did that – me. I won’t say it was a choice but it didn’t help.
Now, this last year since I faced everyone and accepted how things are, my imagination is not as bad. I try to recognize when I am going too far in my worry and thoughts, and I try to pull myself back in. Right now, the only thing we have for sure is this moment and we ruin it by worrying too much about the past or the future. Yes, we have to make considerations for the future but we also have to enjoy today, live for today. I feel like I was almost dead for 5 years and now I just want to live.
(Images taken from Google Images)