I spoke to my mother yesterday by phone. Since my son’s wedding, my mom and I have stayed in touch a little better. It causes anxiety in me to call her but not nearly as much as it used to. It doesn’t hurt my heart like it used to. How the conversation goes varies with her mood and her mind, which is slipping some. There are basically two types of calls with my mom: 1) I do all the talking and she just never says much, which makes for a tough phone call because once I have nothing more to say, the silence is too much for me; it causes anxiety and I hate that. 2) She sounds good and talks more and asks question. That is the call we had yesterday, thankfully.
It’s so tough. I love my mother but not in the way that I used to. My heart was torn too deeply to feel the daughterly love I once held for her. It’s difficult to maintain that love when I now feel like a stranger, when I know she sees me differently than she used to, and all because of my selfish sisters. But, the frayed relationship we have now is more than we had these last 6 years. It at least feels more good now than bad, but by no means is it easy. My heart will always hold onto a bit of the pain,of the confusion and the disappointment.
I miss talking to her about anything and everything. I can’t do that now because she always shares it with those I am estranged from. I don’t want them know overly personal information about me anymore and so I have to edit my thoughts as I speak with my mother and talk about casual things, nothing of consequence or importance. It sucks.
I have sometimes thought of writing her a letter explaining everything that happened and how I interpreted everything. But isn’t that just opening up old wounds? I don’t want to hurt my mother, that’s for sure. I don’t know if it would hurt or help our relationship. Maybe if she knew what I was experiencing and I could know what she was experiencing, could our relationship be rebuilt further? Just more questions I guess. I could not have done this even just 6 months ago but healing brings introspection. Sometimes it’s hard to know that right thing to do.