My Mom & I – Reconciled?

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I spoke to my mother yesterday by phone. Since my son’s wedding, my mom and I have stayed in touch a little better. It causes anxiety in me to call her but not nearly as much as it used to. It doesn’t hurt my heart like it used to. How the conversation goes varies with her mood and her mind, which is slipping some. There are basically two types of calls with my mom: 1) I do all the talking and she just never says much, which makes for a tough phone call because once I have nothing more to say, the silence is too much for me; it causes anxiety and I hate that. 2) She sounds good and talks more and asks question. That is the call we had yesterday, thankfully.

It’s so tough. I love my mother but not in the way that I used to. My heart was torn too deeply to feel the daughterly love I once held for her. It’s difficult to maintain that love when I now feel like a stranger, when I know she sees me differently than she used to, and all because of my selfish sisters. But, the frayed relationship we have now is more than we had these last 6 years. It at least feels more good now than bad, but by no means is it easy. My heart will always hold onto a bit of the pain,of the confusion and the disappointment.

I miss talking to her about anything and everything.  I can’t do that now because she always shares it with those I am estranged from. I don’t want them know overly personal information about me anymore and so I have to edit my thoughts as I speak with my mother and talk about casual things, nothing of consequence or importance.  It sucks.

I have sometimes thought of writing her a letter explaining everything that happened and how I interpreted everything. But isn’t that just opening up old wounds?  I don’t want to hurt my mother, that’s for sure. I don’t know if it would hurt or help our relationship. Maybe if she knew what I was experiencing and I could know what she was experiencing, could our relationship be rebuilt further? Just more questions I guess. I could not have done this even just 6 months ago but healing brings introspection. Sometimes it’s hard to know that right thing to do.

 

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14 thoughts on “My Mom & I – Reconciled?

  1. You have a right to privacy and to your feelings. She may never fully understand you, but that’s ok. We can love others without them ‘getting us’. It hurts because your mom is supposed to be your champion, always. I think writing a letter is always good, and it doesn’t mean you have to send it. You know yourself better than anyone 💕 Thank you for sharing this & I do hope & pray that you both find peace together. 🍃🌺

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you should collect your thoughts in the form of a letter. It does not mean you have to give it to your mother, but at least you will have put in writing your thoughts and questions. You can keep the letter and refer back to it if and when you feel the need.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Take it slow, would be my advice. I’m happy that you’re looking for peace in your life, but there is nothing wrong with caution.
    I hope the best for you, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you my dear. It is nothing I am rushing to do, just a thought in my head right now. One thing I have learned is to give things time before I jump into them, understand my thought process and make sure it’s what I really want. HUGS!!

      Liked by 1 person

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