And Estrangement Continues…

Posted on by breakingsarah

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Is timing everything? Or is it just another means to draw me back in only to tear me back down again? I guess I need to explain.

I haven’t really heard from my son since his wedding. He had twice promised to stay in touch more but has not followed through. I tried – I sent him Facebook messages (the only way I have to contact him) but he doesn’t respond unless it is a holiday, and then all I get is “Happy Whatever”. I messaged him asking for his phone number – he did not respond. I messaged him about our family dog dying – he did not respond. I messaged him with my love and support when his paternal grandfather died – he did not respond.  At that point, I was pretty much prepared to let him go.  Actually, I will be honest, I was prepared to write him off.

Now before anyone goes off on me, a mother saying such a thing, you would need to read so many other posts of mine explaining the last 6 years of my life. My son was influenced by others and mostly estranged from me. Repeatedly, he has done just enough to pull me back in and give me hope, only to disappear over and over again. He has never given me an honest answer as to why he pushed me away. I thought his wedding would change things, but he seems to have only been kind to me because I was in his physical presence. It didn’t take long for him to exist in the background yet again. And then not responding to major life events – how long am I supposed to hold out or hang on? He offers a hand to pull me up from drowning, only to let me go and push my head under, over and over again.  I have drown a hundred deaths this way.

Last week, he messaged me. When we moved to another state, I had left much of my son’s childhood things with his father. My son messaged me that he was at his father’s place finally going through everything and he thanked me for keeping it all and he enjoyed going through the memories. My heart smiled as I thought that maybe the memories would finally break through the brainwashing and lead him to the truth about me and the wonderful relationship we shared during his childhood. I replied back that of course I would save everything and that I had yet even more things with me. I took the opportunity to also tell him that we are moving again and that I am having some medical issues and was waiting for MRI results – he read it and never responded…but this time my heart didn’t sink, I just simply shook my head. Acceptance now protects me and my heart. It still hurts a little but I guess I am just used to his game now. I’m not sure why he even messaged me in the first place. Why thank me for his childhood things and then not even ask or care about my medical issues?

This comes along with a hugely coincidental event that happened the week prior. My son lives in Southern California, his father in Northern California, and my mother in the middle. I called my mom to update her on a few things and as she picked up the phone I heard in the background, “My mom?”, by a man that sounded exactly like my son. And I heard a girl’s voice that sound like his wife. It then went quiet as my mom answered, “Hello”. I said hello back but my mom sounded off and kind of short with me. I asked her if someone was there and she said that there wasn’t, that it was the TV, and then I asked if anything was wrong because she sounded strange, and she said that she was fine. I swear, 99% of me knew my son was there and just didn’t want to talk to me, and my mom went along with it.

Everyone tried to tell me I was just being paranoid and that my son wouldn’t be in town with my mother. Come to find out through my son’s Facebook message though that he was at his dad’s, so he easily could have and would have stopped in to see my mom. There is no doubt in my mind it was his voice I heard and that he was at my mom’s. I know my own’s son’s voice. I am so mad at my mom for going along with it – I can just see my son in the background waiving his hands, “No, no – I don’t want to talk to her.” It’s just so damn disappointing.

This won’t break me though. I took that power back months ago. My family’s actions will not hurt me anymore. All I can do now is deal with whatever comes my way, realize it is not a reflection on me, and keep putting my feet in a forward direction. As a mom, I will always love my son, but I will not live under the control of his actions OR his in-action. I am worth more than the way I am treated. It took me 6 years of unbearable pain to realize that and I am proud of my new-found strength.

 

24 thoughts on “And Estrangement Continues…”

  1. Estranged for 10 years from daughter, here. I never knew why. I will never know my grandchildren. However, I am experiencing impossible joy. Forgiveness is hard to come by when something is this intentional and plotted. But it is possible. Mercy and compassion. He is hurting. No one hurts others like this unless they are hurting. I am sorry for your son. I am sorry for you. However, the world is beautiful. Sometimes we stay focused on what we’ve lost without regard to what we have. Live this beautiful life. You deserve it. He’s playing a game and keeping score. Disengage. God Bless you!

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    1. “No one hurts others like this unless they are hurting.” I am a firm believer in exactly this! I think that once I realized that, it made moving forward easier. The heart will always hold onto some of the pain and confusion, but I have been able to put a lot of it behind me. Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I think it is valuable to try to see both sides of an equation and it is nice to see others doing it as well. 🙂

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  3. I have an equally long story and it is still developing. My sister I live with hates me and every memory of me is rotten. I was a freak in HS athletically, worked two jobs and was kind as all hell. Daily it seems something else went missing, I get blamed and I ask did you look here? Yes, oh you mean here? poof it appears, no apology the 50 times she has done this in months. I know she is on 3 bipolar meds, she actually told me my coach, when I coached her and the team as early as 9th grade, said she was better than me. My other sister 7 years younger ran faster and was smoking at ten. Mind you I still hold 3 state records. She has cps coming here as there was a convenient letter named to me that conveniently should have went to her and she oddly opened my mail, see where this is going. Call them in the morning tell them I am an atty and straighten this out. I spoke a minute and 38 seconds between two calls and said what she said to tell the super and that it was reported I am a menace and a danger to her kids. Being I have seen her pigsty of a house and me storing my stuff in the basement got it thrown out my tiny room is a pigsty. I am running out in an hour when I am sure she is asleep after being called a no good alcoholic that is getting thrown out tomorrow after cps confirms I am an alcoholic. I have tried to be nice she stole 4800 from me and then I had gigs lined up and her kids managed to be sick. I lost all the gigs and she has me against the wall. Fortunately, she will not be able to prove a thing to cps as it was a supposed anonymous call and her name should have been on the letter. Well she stole my work, my doctors appointments, killed the dog in my profile pic, her bf wanted him and the other killed and I have barricaded myself in the room for 8 hours at a clip with snacks and food for the dog. I have to throw out all my garbage at a neighbors house and can’t even have my sleep meds in my room. She is taking 25 meds and she had multiple times the kids come up and she is passed out, I mostly can’t hear her leave her room as we have good insulation and several times, without me saying anything the kids 8, are up wo dinner at 11 and did no homework. The times it happened and she came down to see me helping them and feeding them (I did it all the time until she stole from me) she did not say oops I was not sleeping well. Not a word. She said earlier I am dangerous to be around her kids. She routinely sleeps 3 times a week until at least ten. if I sleep during the week bc of no work and the kids stay home, I am bad bc of they managed to get sick 12 times this year? But her sleeping is ok dokey. If I get kicked out after her hearing I have a fractured tibia, still have tears in my shoulders and multiple slipped discs, so if I need something to sleep as an insomniac since I was 10 would be bad. I feel and share your pain but I am unfortunately shit out of luck as I do not even drive and have anywhere else to go or to get there. She will probably take my computer and probably have to take it to a dr appt if I am not kicked out by cps. For no damn reason.

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    1. Oh sweetness, it hurts me to read this. I so feel for you, especially since you are still knee-deep in this struggle. From what you say, it almost sounds like CPS should be called on her.

      The only advise I can give you is to try to take steps to being able to get out of there. The one thing that changed my whole situation was when I got to move away from all the family drama. I so wish that for you. I would also say – document everything if you are no already, dates, times, events, just in case you ever need to protect yourself. My sisters told lies about me and I have little to prove them wrong except that everyone who believed them should have know better. Anyone who knows me knows I am not capable of such things.

      I will be thinking of you and hoping your situation improves. HUGS my dear friend! 🙂

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      1. Thank you a lot. I do document things but she refuses to hear them. Months ago she said I took her second TV tray, we both have two. I asked if was in her room? After an hour long tirade. I took a picture of it in her room as she had the humidifier she had been running for days on it. No apology. She makes it seem as though I spend an eternity talking to people about things when it is her. I merely felt a few people needed to know because you have all been so nice. 🙂 This is a community. I mean after yesterday she apologized for her behavior probably to have it documented if things go wrong and I say something. She is hedging her bets on both sides.

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      2. I am always hear if you need to talk or just vent! It almost sounds like she has narcissistic qualities and that can be tough to deal with. Good luck to you as you continue to try to get through this.

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      3. I am trying. I literally just got 110 views on here in 45 minutes wo a like. That concerns me. Meaning someone read a good 100 posts

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      5. No it is my sister. She can’t like anything as she does not have a blog. The most I have gotten in 24 hours is 411 and that day I had 35 posts. Plus no likes in the same time, they were looking for something and either found it quickly, which the closest thing they could’ve found was 360 posts away.

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  4. It is hard when family members don’t get you and decide to cut you off from their life for whatever reasons. People are so busy judging and forget how short life is and how negative it is to hang on to shit that happened in the past. I live in the U.K. and all my family on my Dad’s side bar my Nan -hate me and mother. I never really knew my Dad. The more I get older and see family for what it really is. It breaks my heart. Yes we must go on and make families of our own but how can we just forget about bonds and good times and once upon a times…… I have had to let go- if only to stay sane and move forward. I can’t imagine what it feels like to be treat this way by your son and who he manipulates to do his responsibility xx You deserve peace ,, respect and to be loved xx

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  5. Sad to say, I don’t really want to talk to my mother at all, if it can be avoided — so this is difficult to read. Sounds like you’re adopting a bit of Stoicism in your response, which is probably healthy. Read Nakazawa! 😀

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    1. Oh, I so know what you mean. I talk to my mom by phone every once in a while and it is tough for me. I try to avoid it but know I have to give in at some point. I do better with it now than I used too. Time really does make a difference in healing and how we respond to things. HUGS to you!

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  6. Years ago, my Dad almost put a knife in my back in order to coerce me back into his religion. My relationship with my Dad had always been rocky before that, but afterward I just cut it off.
    The whole debacle with my Dad had an unintended result, several of them in fact. My Mom, who had divorced from my Dad when I was around two, also lost contact. My two siblings likewise.
    I reconnected with Mom and the siblings a few years later. But it seemed like whatever was still between Dad and Mom could not be reconciled. Mom just let me go. Not because she wanted to, but because she could not extricate herself from Dad. We called a truce of sorts. I haven’t seen my family members since.
    These things happen. Sometimes they will never be explained to our full satisfaction. It is good to see you gaining strength in the meantime.

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    1. I am sorry you went through that. ANY family estrangement is difficult, especially when it affects multiple members. I don’t think I can call it a truce with my mom, but we are working on a relationship. Well, not really working, but we talk now on the phone sometimes. The only problem is, I get to hear her talk about the people I am estranged from, knowing half of what she says or knows isn’t true and that can get to me after a while. But, I take it in stride and just listen, no need to tell my 76-year-old mother about it, no need to upset her. Hearing her talk about talking to my son is that hardest part, the unfair part. My estrangement will never have an explanation, not one that will ever be given to me – I have accepted that. Thank you for sharing your story – it’s always comforting to know we are not alone.

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      1. You are definitely not alone. Be of good courage. All of life’s vicissitudes are for a reason. Sometimes we role play for a while until we find out what that reason is.

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  8. Quite a long story so I will keep it brief; My sister no longer talks to my mother, hasn’t for almost 20 years. It is my understanding that my mother had also taken the power back and no longer allows my sisters avoidance to destroy her. I am relieved to be terminated from my position as “the middle man” and optimistic that my mother can move on. It must be a terrible pain to live with and I cannot expect to understand. I just wanted to share I guess to let you know you are not alone. I think this situation happens more than people like to admit.

    Good wishes to you.

    Happily,
    Q

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    1. Thank you for sharing! I wish you hadn’t been through that – being the middle man can be a terrible place to be. My sisters put my parents in the middle while I refused to do that. I was always the middle one in my family growing up, the one trying to keep the peace between everyone. It is nice to not have to do that anymore – it is so draining and exhausting. HUGS!!

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