Is timing everything? Or is it just another means to draw me back in only to tear me back down again? I guess I need to explain.
I haven’t really heard from my son since his wedding. He had twice promised to stay in touch more but has not followed through. I tried – I sent him Facebook messages (the only way I have to contact him) but he doesn’t respond unless it is a holiday, and then all I get is “Happy Whatever”. I messaged him asking for his phone number – he did not respond. I messaged him about our family dog dying – he did not respond. I messaged him with my love and support when his paternal grandfather died – he did not respond. At that point, I was pretty much prepared to let him go. Actually, I will be honest, I was prepared to write him off.
Now before anyone goes off on me, a mother saying such a thing, you would need to read so many other posts of mine explaining the last 6 years of my life. My son was influenced by others and mostly estranged from me. Repeatedly, he has done just enough to pull me back in and give me hope, only to disappear over and over again. He has never given me an honest answer as to why he pushed me away. I thought his wedding would change things, but he seems to have only been kind to me because I was in his physical presence. It didn’t take long for him to exist in the background yet again. And then not responding to major life events – how long am I supposed to hold out or hang on? He offers a hand to pull me up from drowning, only to let me go and push my head under, over and over again. I have drown a hundred deaths this way.
Last week, he messaged me. When we moved to another state, I had left much of my son’s childhood things with his father. My son messaged me that he was at his father’s place finally going through everything and he thanked me for keeping it all and he enjoyed going through the memories. My heart smiled as I thought that maybe the memories would finally break through the brainwashing and lead him to the truth about me and the wonderful relationship we shared during his childhood. I replied back that of course I would save everything and that I had yet even more things with me. I took the opportunity to also tell him that we are moving again and that I am having some medical issues and was waiting for MRI results – he read it and never responded…but this time my heart didn’t sink, I just simply shook my head. Acceptance now protects me and my heart. It still hurts a little but I guess I am just used to his game now. I’m not sure why he even messaged me in the first place. Why thank me for his childhood things and then not even ask or care about my medical issues?
This comes along with a hugely coincidental event that happened the week prior. My son lives in Southern California, his father in Northern California, and my mother in the middle. I called my mom to update her on a few things and as she picked up the phone I heard in the background, “My mom?”, by a man that sounded exactly like my son. And I heard a girl’s voice that sound like his wife. It then went quiet as my mom answered, “Hello”. I said hello back but my mom sounded off and kind of short with me. I asked her if someone was there and she said that there wasn’t, that it was the TV, and then I asked if anything was wrong because she sounded strange, and she said that she was fine. I swear, 99% of me knew my son was there and just didn’t want to talk to me, and my mom went along with it.
Everyone tried to tell me I was just being paranoid and that my son wouldn’t be in town with my mother. Come to find out through my son’s Facebook message though that he was at his dad’s, so he easily could have and would have stopped in to see my mom. There is no doubt in my mind it was his voice I heard and that he was at my mom’s. I know my own’s son’s voice. I am so mad at my mom for going along with it – I can just see my son in the background waiving his hands, “No, no – I don’t want to talk to her.” It’s just so damn disappointing.
This won’t break me though. I took that power back months ago. My family’s actions will not hurt me anymore. All I can do now is deal with whatever comes my way, realize it is not a reflection on me, and keep putting my feet in a forward direction. As a mom, I will always love my son, but I will not live under the control of his actions OR his in-action. I am worth more than the way I am treated. It took me 6 years of unbearable pain to realize that and I am proud of my new-found strength.