Fear. It’s one of only a couple things that still challenge me, that still rip away at my inner being and keeps me from finding true success and happiness.
For me anymore, it’s the fear of the little things. Gone is the fear of facing those who have hurt me. Gone is the fear I felt when I was depressed and in the darkest of times. Gone is the fear that my life will never have hope. I have recovered from all those things. But now, just this morning, I felt fear, a little fear – fear of having to make a business call at work.
I don’t know why but over the years I have developed a fear of talking on the phone, both professionally and personally. At work, I tense up or put it off when I need to make or take a call. I had to make a call earlier and almost put it off but I decided I have to get over that fear! There’s all these little fears that I have (phones, confrontation, social situations) that I have to get past and let go of. I know – it’s my insecurities, using my mind as a sort of torturous playground.
We will be moving to a new state soon and I will have to find a new job and that prospect scares the hell out of me. I will have to expose myself again. I have to get over the fear that someone will see me as unworthy or ignorant, even though I know I am neither of those things. I have already decided that I won’t back down anymore, won’t take something less than my skill-set just to avoid stress. This will be a HUGE step for me.
What is causing concern for me right now as I head into this new fork in the road is my health. I had an MRI and I am currently waiting on the results. I have had constant pain in the back of my head for about 7 months now (not migraine or tension headaches). I am having memory issues, both short and long term. And over the last couple months, I have developed speech difficulties and typing issues as well. With speech, I frequently can’t find my words, I use the wrong words, I change the tense of verbs, and sometimes the words that come out just don’t even make sense. In typing, I do some of the same as those but also miss letters, transpose letters and words, and space wrong. It has made it very difficult to make posts here as I have to greatly edit what I type. I don’t want the MRI to show anything but I also fear not having a reason or cause for these issues. As I look for a new job, this will certainly affect me, causing fear and anxiety.
I hate fear – it’s a terrible emotion. I would love to know how you all deal with fear.