Fear Of Change

fearswide-620x349

This last year has been nice in many ways, less general life stresses. This was not by chance though; I avoided anything I could that would send me over an edge. I avoided the family that had hurt me. I avoided social situations. I avoided full-time work and took a part-time job with a position way beneath my skill set. I stay home all day instead of getting out.

But, are these actually positives?  No, they most certainly are not.  They are my fear controlling my life. Sure, it was nice but it also sucked – I’m letting life pass me by. I have changes ahead – my husband’s work is transferring us to another state so we are in the process of trying to find a home there. It will be a new area, new people, and I will have to find a new job. That is almost the scariest prospect in the world to me right now (other than having to have a wisdom tooth pulled next week).

I knew this day would come. I have known I can’t keep working part-time – we are struggling a little financially from where we used to be. This will be our 3rd move in 3 years and each move eats up a little more of our savings. The truth is though, even if we weren’t moving, I would still need to find a new job, a full-time job. I need to get back into my career but with that comes fear and self-doubt. I stepped back when all the family trauma happened – they ripped away at my self-esteem and it started affecting me at work.  If I made a mistake or didn’t know something, rage began to bubble over inside me. Being a perfectionist doesn’t help this problem either. If I don’t know how to do something or if I mess up, I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. And I have such a fear of someone else looking at me and thinking I’m stupid. I know I’m not but I don’t want them thinking it.

But, the family stuff is over, or at least as over as it can be, and I have to get back into my life. I can’t allow my self-esteem to keep me from growing and being challenged. I used to thrive once upon a time but the last few years I have been sinking. And so, with the move, I will be searching for a job, one that is not beneath my skill set, and I hope, oh how I hope, that I can handle it, that I can be the person I know I can be.

The picture above is how I am feeling right now; it’s the little girl in me, the little girl who is still so very much afraid that she will never be good enough. I have put this off for years now and I am so scarred…

 

(Photo from Google Images)

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “Fear Of Change

  1. At first I thought “am so scarred” was a Freudian slip for scared, b ut am not sure now. This is the strongest declaration about your strength and intentions of those I have read so far. I look forward to more.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are stronger than you realize. It will be okay, and it’s natural to have the feelings that you are experiencing. Onward and upward my friend! God is with you, and you are a powerful woman. Blessings and peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Atribeuntangled is right ! You are very brave, change is hard, especially when you don’t know exactly what you will be changing to…What home, job, people? Easier said than done but could this change represent a new adventure, a new beginning – New people who don’t know you can be a great thing,You decide who & what you want them to know, take it at your pace. It could be a truly amazing time for you- a kind of rebirth ! You are Brave – and changing could be as it is for a caterpillar..into the most magnificent butterfly ❤ Go for it 😊 xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh sweetness – thank you so very much! I am hopeful for a new adventure and even a new me. Well, maybe not a “new” me but one that is happier and more trusting. I think I will be better off once we are actually in the process of moving. Right now, there is just so much unknown.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Change is fearsome..true.. because we don’t know how the challenges will make an appearance before ourselves.Many a times our mind makes those challenges appear too big and often makes us think more of our weaknesses than strengths that will cause us to fail.I once heard a motivational speaker who said -“repeat in your mind- ‘It’s easy,I will do it! I believe in my strengths.’ ” Indeed you will have too many things to care about in coming days..but hey that little girl in the picture..I feel once she removes her hand from her face ,I will see a spark in her eyes and a smile on her lips. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Awe – you made me choke up just a little. I definitely have an issue with trying to see everything at once which makes it all seem oh so big. I am trying though, trying to take steps back and see the smaller things, take each thing as it comes. I want to see that spark in her eyes…..

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I so agree with one step at a time. I think right now the hard part is that there isn’t much I can do now, we are in a holding pattern until we find a house – the move and job will come after that. I am sorry you are feeling like this little girl too. All my love and support to you my dear!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s