This last year has been nice in many ways, less general life stresses. This was not by chance though; I avoided anything I could that would send me over an edge. I avoided the family that had hurt me. I avoided social situations. I avoided full-time work and took a part-time job with a position way beneath my skill set. I stay home all day instead of getting out.
But, are these actually positives? No, they most certainly are not. They are my fear controlling my life. Sure, it was nice but it also sucked – I’m letting life pass me by. I have changes ahead – my husband’s work is transferring us to another state so we are in the process of trying to find a home there. It will be a new area, new people, and I will have to find a new job. That is almost the scariest prospect in the world to me right now (other than having to have a wisdom tooth pulled next week).
I knew this day would come. I have known I can’t keep working part-time – we are struggling a little financially from where we used to be. This will be our 3rd move in 3 years and each move eats up a little more of our savings. The truth is though, even if we weren’t moving, I would still need to find a new job, a full-time job. I need to get back into my career but with that comes fear and self-doubt. I stepped back when all the family trauma happened – they ripped away at my self-esteem and it started affecting me at work. If I made a mistake or didn’t know something, rage began to bubble over inside me. Being a perfectionist doesn’t help this problem either. If I don’t know how to do something or if I mess up, I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. And I have such a fear of someone else looking at me and thinking I’m stupid. I know I’m not but I don’t want them thinking it.
But, the family stuff is over, or at least as over as it can be, and I have to get back into my life. I can’t allow my self-esteem to keep me from growing and being challenged. I used to thrive once upon a time but the last few years I have been sinking. And so, with the move, I will be searching for a job, one that is not beneath my skill set, and I hope, oh how I hope, that I can handle it, that I can be the person I know I can be.
The picture above is how I am feeling right now; it’s the little girl in me, the little girl who is still so very much afraid that she will never be good enough. I have put this off for years now and I am so scarred…
(Photo from Google Images)