My Emotional & Binge Eating Nightmare

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I have briefly posted a little about my struggles with emotional/stress eating and binge eating. It’s embarrassing to talk about because it seems like it should be something I can control, but more often than not, I can’t. Something happened yesterday that made me want to write about it more. It’s something I need to face and change and I just don’t know how.

My weight has been up and down my whole life, as an adult anywhere between 138 and 182 pounds. In the year building up to my son’s wedding, where I would see many estranged family members for the first time in years, I managed to drop from 174 to 143. I was so happy with how I looked and I felt so good. But after the wedding in October, with no further extreme motivation, I have gained back 19 pounds in 3  months and am at 159 pounds. I am so very mad at myself! I swore I would never let that happen again!

It started with a couple weeks of having some treats I hadn’t allowed myself in months. Once I got the taste, it was hard to stop.  Then the emotional eating started whenever I felt stressed out. I can’t even count the number of days when I said. “Okay, today is the last day – I can have whatever I want and then I will get back on board tomorrow”. I would make it the next day till around noon and then an emotion would set me off and I would be binge eating like crazy. Why can’t I control this? I was happy and healthy at my lower weight – being that way means everything to me, so why is the power of junk food so much stronger than my own happiness?

Emotional eating and binge eating are two different things and unfortunately, for me, emotional eating leads to binge eating. I have been wanting to get back to healthy eating and decided that this week I would do a fruit, nut and veggie detox for 5 days, hoping it would get all the crap out of my system and help me transition into healthier foods when it was done.  Yesterday started out good.  It was an emotional day though as my husband has to travel for work this week and having him gone brought back the grief of our little dog who we had to put down in December. He was companion when my husband had to travel. Then, I felt so hungry by the afternoon, which is never a good thing for me. I decided that maybe just a cube of cheese would help. I ate it, followed by another. Then I saw a chicken salad sandwich wrap in the fridge that my husband had left behind – I ate it. Then I ate some granola bars followed by a bowl of cereal and then a bag of chips. Then more cheese.  AARRGGHHH!  I consumed all of that in about 15 minutes! I wasn’t even hungry after the sandwich but I continued to eat anything in site. 😦

I don’t understand this about me and I know I am not the only one going through this. I know it is most likely an affect of the abuse I suffered as a child. The damn food just tastes so good going down and then I feel so terrible when I am done, so ashamed, so gross. Why does this happen?  Why do I allow it? My brain knows I can stop eating at any time and yet I can’t get myself to do it. I can be screaming inside myself, “Just stop already!” – but I can’t. I guess I have learned now not to do any type of limited calorie diet or detox.  Limiting myself only makes the ravaged binge beast come out like a bat out of hell! I know they say you have to deal with the emotions but that has never worked for me. The only thing that ever seems to work for me is an extreme motivation which are rare in life.

Instead of beating myself up too much, I am back on board this morning. It is still the morning so things are good; it’s once I get home in the afternoon that will be the true test. But I will not let this get the best of me! If I fail today, I will try again tomorrow. I have to believe in myself and keep trying…

 

binge eating and bulimia cycles

 

 

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26 thoughts on “My Emotional & Binge Eating Nightmare

  1. Thank you for following my blog. It’s more of a public journal, I’m not trying to get followers, but it sure is a nice feeling to get one 🙂

    My last post is for you. I hope there is something in my incessant blathering there that is of some use to you. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sarah, I know folks who have used resources from iamhungry.com. See Michelle May’s story (link at bottom of page). Also, many of her books, programs, etc., are available on Amazon. Click the link: Mindful Eating for Binge Eating and I believe you will be pleasantly surprised with her info and program. This can get you where you want to be. Hope you find this helpful. –Alan

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Reading, feeling, sharing content to my friend saying: “This is me!”. It’s very well written with so many details I and probably many more people could associate with.
    As #TheRoamingMind said: “Food, drugs, alcohol, gambling.. it all leads to feeding the beast. “, all stands, but it reminded me of something I heard once: “We go on diets, quit drugs, alcohol, smoking and more to make us happier about ourselves. But diet is the hardest one. You have to face the “problem” every day, you MUST eat! Smokers don’t need to smoke to survive. ”
    And as you said Sarah, you will get hungry eventually, take a bit, eat a bit more, a bit more, and end up eating anything that comes under your hand inside those few minutes until you realize you fucked up. It’s not as easy 😦
    Apologies for language.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have just written very well about this as well my dear. I never thought about it but what you said is true – we DO have to face food and eat every day! And when FOOD is the trigger to eat MORE food, what are we supposed to do? Thank you for you input – it is raw and real. And guess what – even after writing that post I fucked up again yesterday… butt today, still I try again… HUGS!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sarah thank you for blogging about this. I do the same and could have written what you said almost word for word. Your post got me thinking about the “why” for me. I know I emotionally eat but that knowledge doesn’t stop me from doing it. The next time this happens for me I’m going to stop and reread this post and see what comes up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are welcome and I hope it can help you find your own understanding. I know it’s not an easy thing to do – yesterday was the first time I had that much clarity. Writing helps me find that sometimes. I am hear if you ever need an understanding ear. HUGS!!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It seems as though we are accustomed to abuse, thus we abuse ourselves. We know better, but deep down we crave the hate that we have for ourselves in doing it, so we continue the cycle. Food, drugs, alcohol, gambling and even continuing the cycle of abuse onto someone else, it all leads to feeding the beast.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Hmm, I need to think about and consider this. I definitely get what you are saying and think that it applies to oh so many, but I also think there are those of us that do not crave the hate. I have done so much introspection these last few months, and I honestly don’t see my binging as craving the hate. I think for me, there are two underlying issues that I can see: 1) My family was poor growing up and there were many times when there was not enough food to fill our hunger. I know that when sharing an appetizer with others even as an adult, I still have this feeling I won’t get enough! And I have to keep myself from taking too much. I think this is why I am also always hungry. 2) When I binge, I am not feeding hate, I am feeding stress and emotions, letting the endorphins of the food, the fat and sugar, placate me and comfort me. The problem is, that feeling only lasts so long, I crash and then I am left with the emotions, the same emotions I was trying to soothe. It’s a terrible cycle. I do value your insight and think it does happen. Thank you for sharing!

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I’m sorry if I made an assessment of the situation based on very limited knowledge of your past. I also used a very strong word in “hate” where I shouldn’t have. There are so many reasons why there are eating disorders in the world. I am no psychologist by any stretch, just trying to make sense of the world around me. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh, I didn’t take it that way sweetness! It actually gave me something to consider. Although it may not fit me entirely, it may fit and mean something to someone else, which is what my blog is all about. All I can ask for is an open and honest dialogue, and you are doing exactly that. It is much appreciated. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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