I have briefly posted a little about my struggles with emotional/stress eating and binge eating. It’s embarrassing to talk about because it seems like it should be something I can control, but more often than not, I can’t. Something happened yesterday that made me want to write about it more. It’s something I need to face and change and I just don’t know how.
My weight has been up and down my whole life, as an adult anywhere between 138 and 182 pounds. In the year building up to my son’s wedding, where I would see many estranged family members for the first time in years, I managed to drop from 174 to 143. I was so happy with how I looked and I felt so good. But after the wedding in October, with no further extreme motivation, I have gained back 19 pounds in 3 months and am at 159 pounds. I am so very mad at myself! I swore I would never let that happen again!
It started with a couple weeks of having some treats I hadn’t allowed myself in months. Once I got the taste, it was hard to stop. Then the emotional eating started whenever I felt stressed out. I can’t even count the number of days when I said. “Okay, today is the last day – I can have whatever I want and then I will get back on board tomorrow”. I would make it the next day till around noon and then an emotion would set me off and I would be binge eating like crazy. Why can’t I control this? I was happy and healthy at my lower weight – being that way means everything to me, so why is the power of junk food so much stronger than my own happiness?
Emotional eating and binge eating are two different things and unfortunately, for me, emotional eating leads to binge eating. I have been wanting to get back to healthy eating and decided that this week I would do a fruit, nut and veggie detox for 5 days, hoping it would get all the crap out of my system and help me transition into healthier foods when it was done. Yesterday started out good. It was an emotional day though as my husband has to travel for work this week and having him gone brought back the grief of our little dog who we had to put down in December. He was companion when my husband had to travel. Then, I felt so hungry by the afternoon, which is never a good thing for me. I decided that maybe just a cube of cheese would help. I ate it, followed by another. Then I saw a chicken salad sandwich wrap in the fridge that my husband had left behind – I ate it. Then I ate some granola bars followed by a bowl of cereal and then a bag of chips. Then more cheese. AARRGGHHH! I consumed all of that in about 15 minutes! I wasn’t even hungry after the sandwich but I continued to eat anything in site. 😦
I don’t understand this about me and I know I am not the only one going through this. I know it is most likely an affect of the abuse I suffered as a child. The damn food just tastes so good going down and then I feel so terrible when I am done, so ashamed, so gross. Why does this happen? Why do I allow it? My brain knows I can stop eating at any time and yet I can’t get myself to do it. I can be screaming inside myself, “Just stop already!” – but I can’t. I guess I have learned now not to do any type of limited calorie diet or detox. Limiting myself only makes the ravaged binge beast come out like a bat out of hell! I know they say you have to deal with the emotions but that has never worked for me. The only thing that ever seems to work for me is an extreme motivation which are rare in life.
Instead of beating myself up too much, I am back on board this morning. It is still the morning so things are good; it’s once I get home in the afternoon that will be the true test. But I will not let this get the best of me! If I fail today, I will try again tomorrow. I have to believe in myself and keep trying…