So, I’m in an odd mood this morning. In trying to think of what to write about today, I feel like I have hit a brick wall. I can tell I’m feeling down and in trying to be more aware of how I am feeling and how it is affecting me, I am looking inward and attempting to be honest with myself:
I have been feeling a bit of writer’s block this past week or so. In a way, it was good because it enabled me to post and share the stories of other trauma survivors. Those posts received a wonderful response and I am so honored to help bring others into their journeys.
Okay, this part is very honest for me and I hope no one takes it the wrong way: If I really search my heart right now, I guess am feeling a little insignificant, like my words have become redundant and people just aren’t as interested anymore in what I have to say. In sharing the story of others and seeing the amazing outpouring of support for them, I started to feel like my story meant less and that I meant less. I know beyond any doubt that this is my insecurities sneaking up on me. I went straight from the drama of my son’s wedding to my blog taking off a little. As I poured my heart and soul into this blog, it lifted me up and made me feel like I had worth. But as time has passed and I have found so much insight and understanding, the negative part of me is itching to resurface – I can see it, sense it. With my blog slowing down after the initial pulse, and with changes coming soon to my immediate family, I think I am starting to feel a little lost again, unsure of the future, unsure of me.
Oh how I am trying to stay in the present, my one and only New Years resolution. I know I can’t expect to keep running so strong without hiccups along the way. I know I need to let go of the perfectionism that rules me. My heart knows that just because others receive recognition doesn’t mean that I have lost my worth – my brain has a difficult time seeing that though. I guess I have made a step forward in even being able to write and post about this, these thoughts and feelings I usually hide, sometimes not even being able to admit them to myself let alone others.
I have this terrible habit of comparing my abilities and worth to others. It’s probably the biggest thing I need to work on, and the hardest. But, I am trying to be aware of it. If I am aware and honest about it, then maybe I can actually change it…