When Doubt Resurfaces

Emptiness-is-not

So, I’m in an odd mood this morning. In trying to think of what to write about today, I feel like I have hit a brick wall. I can tell I’m feeling down and in trying to be more aware of how I am feeling and how it is affecting me, I am looking inward and attempting to be honest with myself:

I have been feeling a bit of writer’s block this past week or so. In a way, it was good because it enabled me to post and share the stories of other trauma survivors. Those posts received a wonderful response and I am so honored to help bring others into their journeys.

Okay, this part is very honest for me and I hope no one takes it the wrong way: If I really search my heart right now, I guess am feeling a little insignificant, like my words have become redundant and people just aren’t as interested anymore in what I have to say. In sharing the story of others and seeing the amazing outpouring of support for them, I started to feel like my story meant less and that I meant less. I know beyond any doubt that this is my insecurities sneaking up on me. I went straight from the drama of my son’s wedding to my blog taking off a little. As I poured my heart and soul into this blog, it lifted me up and made me feel like I had worth. But as time has passed and I have found so much insight and understanding, the negative part of me is itching to resurface – I can see it, sense it. With my blog slowing down after the initial pulse, and with changes coming soon to my immediate family, I think I am starting to feel a little lost again, unsure of the future, unsure of me.

Oh how I am trying to stay in the present, my one and only New Years resolution. I know I can’t expect to keep running so strong without hiccups along the way. I know I need to let go of the perfectionism that rules me. My heart knows that just because others receive recognition doesn’t mean that I have lost my worth – my brain has a difficult time seeing that though. I guess I have made a step forward in even being able to write and post about this, these thoughts and feelings I usually hide, sometimes not even being able to admit them to myself let alone others.

I have this terrible habit of comparing my abilities and worth to others. It’s probably the biggest thing I need to work on, and the hardest. But, I am trying to be aware of it.  If I am aware and honest about it, then maybe I can actually change it…

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20 thoughts on “When Doubt Resurfaces

  1. The path of healing is a hard one, and we encounter many different types of experiences from it that help us grow our self-worth. Sharing our stories of survival is important so we do not feel alone, and so we can connect with one another, but it is also a way to track your own progress and a way to be mindfully reflective. Comparing yourself to others is something everyone does on occasion, but opening up your chest by taking a deep breath and remembering to stay open and compassionate will help! Everyone is on a different path, and none are ever truly comparable. ❤

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  2. I have felt everything you mentioned in this post, it’s almost as if I had written it. Just remember, you are in control of your feelings and thoughts through your self expression in this blog; you are NOT in control of how others will receive them. You wrote this as an outlet from your own mind, just because you don’t think you are being heard, it doesn’t mean that others are not listening. What you did last week was amazing and I hope it validated to you that you are not alone and that you are not suffering these feelings alone. We are all in this together and are not to be compared.

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  3. Aah, the old “constant companion”, self-doubt.. Yeah, that one. I know “him” well. Sometimes when it gets really bad, I try to separate myself from “him”, to see him sort of as a little, hungry, green troll, that just needs to feed off of our fears and feelings of inadequacy. It sounds “crazy” to make images like that, but sometimes it works, and I “shoo” him away, in my mind. The purpose for me, of making the feeling into this image, is to easier separate it from myself.. (Since I was with a narcissist for so long, I had to retrain my ability to separate my own feelings from the narc’s, cause you get so enmeshed/manipulated, etc. Then I started using images like that in my head). Shoo that little self-doubt troll away! He’s not real, and you are a great blogger, and brave person, for sharing. Hugs! 💜

    Liked by 3 people

      1. you’re welcome. Oh, about the narcissist, I think we misunderstood each other there.. I was not a narcissist 🙂 but I was with one, as in a romantic relationship. (I was very enmeshed/manipulated, etc.). Take care, hugs. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ah, ok, I must have read it wrong -s orry about that. I was with a narc boyfriend for 8 years and new I should have left at year 3. Low self-esteem and a shattered sense of worth kept me with him for another 5 years after that.

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  4. I’m glad that you were able to figure out what has been bothering you and that fact that you shared it with us just shows how brave you are. You feeling insignificant or worthless is a sad thing. But it is a sad realization that many of us, me included, face on a daily basis. I’m sure its the trauma that you have endured. You need to feel loved, cared for and appreciated. You want to know that you mean something to someone. I feel the same way! My anxieties have a way of lying to me to make me feel absolutely worthless at times, even though, deep down inside, I know that isn’t the case. We have to build ourselves up. If we can help build each other up as well, that is a beautiful thing. The community here is a great place to learn and grow. It does help to meet new people who may understand or at least empathize with you, to help you see just how un-alone you really are. I pray for you to have peace of mind and heart. Its a prayer I constantly send up to God for myself as well. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your support and encouraging words. “You need to feel loved, cared for and appreciated. You want to know that you mean something to someone. ” This is so it!! I have felt this way my entire life, and because of it I even used to look for love in some wrong places. But this past year I have started trying to love myself, to be enough for myself separate from those who love me and those who pretend to love me but don’t.

      I am sorry to hear that you deal with this same anxiety, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, yet at the same time it is comforting to know I am not alone in it. Thank you for your kind words – they meant so very much to me. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. That self-doubt is a pesky little bugger. I try to show him the door when he creeps in and trys to derail the self esteem I work so hard for. Keep it up..you’re doing great, and we all have something to say and its important to say it.

    Liked by 2 people

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