Featured Survivor – “IAMCONNER”

I would like you all to meet Conner of the IAMCONNER blog. Conner has experienced abandonment, elements of estrangement and abuse in his life. He is very insightful into his own thought process which, along with his trust and faith in God, is allowing him to move forward. He knows full well what abandonment and abuse issues can do to a child, as well as to the adult that child grows into. Please make any comments directed to him on the original post on his blog. I have listed the link below.

“I am a 22 year old college student who wants to share his story of pain, in order to find healing and even help others find healing. My very shortened testimony is below. I also included a link to one of my older posts that I feel encompasses my blog. I guess you could call me a ‘long-time coming’ story of coming out of my pain. Being left at age 1 1/2 by my father and (to this day) struggling with his abuse, manipulation, and control issues, and then being left again by my step-father, and even my own grandfather…you could say I had an uphill battle on how in the world to be a man in this world and how to live out my purpose which was stripped from me…until about 3 1/2 years ago when I started college at IWU and God brought me through a huge growth process in a short amount of time. My healing is painful but it’s still coming. My current struggle is with depression and trusting in Jesus to bring me out of it one day, even if means not until heaven.”

Blog post link: IAMCONNER Truth-Hunger

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“I am infuriated at the lack of truth in my head.

Why is it so easy for humanity to get caught in a web of lies? Like a fly caught in a black widow’s web, we struggle in vein to be released from the self-defeating cycle of thoughts that bring us in on ourselves.

Even at the beginning of time, Adam and Eve fell victim to this same cycle. To more aptly illustrate what this cycle means, I decided to name it truth hunger. It is a hunger that has plagued our souls since birth and will continue to do so until we are released from its grip. This may sound rather grim and depressing. IT IS. It is the result of what happens when we give in to one lie as it piles on top of another. We can only be released from it when we stop running from the only One who can save us from ourselves.

I have been running from my problems for the past three years. I went to college and was intoxicated by the newness of my environment. I had never been so loved by so many people in one concentrated location. In the book Love is a Choice by Dr. Robert Hemfelt, the love tank is introduced. It is a concept that illustrates exactly what I suffered from (and still continue to suffer from) when going into school. My love tank was on very low, after being told by my own father he would not attend my high school graduation because I did not go visit him in Texas where he resided at the time. So, when I was being validated for the first time that I was worth more than that, I latched on to that source of love so my tank would be filled. Truth was being spoken into a sensitive area of my life for the first time.

But I was missing something still and that was healing. Let me be perfectly clear that just because people speak truth and life into you, it does not mean that the original issue goes away. It will help to heal wounds but not seal them up for good. Some wounds are just too deep to be mended by a friend. I didn’t want to face this truth and that began a very vicious cycle of shoving my hurts down deep. I would be open about my hurts, but I began to stop hearing people about what they had to say about it. I wouldn’t let their words touch my heart.

This is something I can no longer do, if I wish to be a whole person. If you know me, you know I am really good at being there for others, but almost never for myself. Part of that, was because I didn’t want to face myself and the anger, fear, sadness and the overall loss in my heart. And the more I couldn’t face myself, the harder it was for me to be there for others. Everything came crashing down on me last year. I was not myself the whole year. I deeply apologize to everyone of you I know. If I had known that I would be in this spot, unable to give my all to you, I would have dealt with this stuff a long time ago. I ask for your forgiveness and that you would keep me accountable. Ask me how I am really doing because I know I will just say “I’m good” and move on without being pushed.

I felt that this week specifically, something changed in me. I received an email from my father asking for reconciliation, come to find out he was in my hometown just a few days before and didn’t bother to tell me. I knew from that point forward that I could still be hurt by him, and I could still feel less than. I knew it was time to stop waiting for him to change, and take back my life.

By the way, I don’t tell these stories about my father to make him seem like a horrible person. I just have to be open about these things from now on. And he may see this and get upset, but honestly, I have to live my life for God and that includes taking care of myself now. This blog helps me, and I know that if he truly cared, he would understand. So, I guess I’ll find out.

Truth MUST win out in my life. This is me taking a stand. I am in between, I am tired and I am truth-hungry. But first and foremost, I am child of the One True King and I will not stand for less than that any longer. My Jesus did not die for me to cower in fear of those who do not care for me. He died and rose again to give me a purpose and a hope.

If you are stuck in fear, or anger, feeling depressed and that there is no way out. DO NOT LISTEN TO THOSE LIES FROM HELL. 

You are loved by Jesus Christ the Son of God!!! You are more than you have been told you are. You are special, you are beautiful, you are strong, you are created for more than the hell you’ve been put through. You are beaten down but you are not broken. If you are still alive, it’s for a divine purpose. THIS is truth.

John 8: 32 says “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” The black widow’s lies do not control you when you listen to the Word of Life. You are not ensnared in her web, a mere fly. You are a giant more powerful than Goliath. A warrior made only for Victory!!

My name is Conner Rodeman, I am calling all who feel less than to please look up to Jesus Christ, the One who was tortured, killed and rose once more to give YOU hope, love, affection, and approval. Please, please, PLEASE do not settle for less than what you are made for. You will not always feel this pain, and neither will I. Let the Holy Spirit of God do His work in your heart. Don’t shove him off any longer.

I chose to publish this post with a picture of me when I was a young child. This is how I have continued to see myself because my power has been stripped from me. No longer. Fight for your life, fight for the truth.”

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