Featured Survivor – “The Roaming Mind”

This is the first in my series of featuring abuse and trauma survivors. These are amazing people who have been through hell but who have found the strength and courage to share their stories. Please leave any comments on the original post; I have included the link below. Today, I would like to introduce The Roaming Mind. 

“I have only shared my story of sexual abuse 6 years ago when I needed to protect my son from the cycle. I will not go into specifics as to who abused me as I am still dealing with the justice system, but what I can tell you is that we share DNA. After sharing my story I have had to rebuild my life from the ground up and only within the last year have I come to grips with my new self. Thankfully, I have had the support of my wife and a few close friends who have been there when the days were very tough.”

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“Let me prelude this by saying that I would not be writing this today without the strength that I have been given over the past 6 years. I am so thankful for the folks who gave me their strength that I am not even sure I deserved. Thank you to my wife, Christina for her rock steady support through all of the phases of my journey. She was there the day I broke out of the cycle and she still remains my biggest ally. That kind of loyalty does not come from anyone, it comes from someone special. And thank you to those who I have shared my story with. You have not only believed me, but you believed IN me. Your willingness to help, has given me the inspiration that I can trust in people again. Thank you to Theo Fleury. His story had a profound impact on me during a very crucial time and I am so glad that he spoke up and became an advocate for childhood trauma.

Now, onto my story.

It became unbearable at times. My conscience heavier as each day passed. Some times I could bury it, other days it occupied me like an unwanted house guest. I was consumed by it. Two thirds of my life had been spent concealing my torment; I had forgotten who I was. In retrospect, I don’t even think I ever knew. I had built up an impenetrable wall around my secret and my emotions that even I couldn’t get through it. I had become reclusive.

The day I held my son for the first time, I knew I was going to have to reveal everything. I had no choice. I have to protect him, no matter the cost. I could not allow the cycle to continue. I just didn’t know when I would have to blow up my world. I had eventually became an anxiety filled wreck. My wife had enough of the emotional void. She grew impatient of the years of constant mood swings and erratic behavior. I had become extremely self absorbed. I could no longer absorb emotion and the only emotion I could let out was anger. I was a mess. Finally, it came to a head. Finally, I have had enough. She had enough. In July of 2009, my secret would be revealed in a mid afternoon emotional talk. I told her that I was sexually abused as a child. I was about 10 years old and I was abused by someone I trusted and looked up to. There was no going back now. I was exposed.

I cannot put into words how that moment felt when I had finally threw that huge wall of emotion at her. I had never felt a rush of emotion like that. I hope I never have to again. In one second I felt angry, ashamed and then a moment later I felt incredibly scared (that chilled to the bone scared). Yet, I had felt an overwhelming feeling of freedom. I have often wondered if this is what a person who has been captive for years feels like after being released. I was so thankful that she listened to me and didn’t pick up our son and leave. If she had, I am not sure what the hell I would have done. I desperately needed her to stay by me, I had just put my life in her hands. I will always be thankful to Christina for being by my side. At that time, she was the only person in my life I trusted. Only after would I begin to allow and trust other people back into my life; well some people.

At this time I am not going to divulge who my abuser was. I will let the justice system handle that in due time. You see, I am not trying to protect this person. I am only trying to respect the process. This is my story, not theirs. I am not looking for any retribution for the wounds that were inflicted on me. I went to the police to protect other people,to  hopefully stop any future abuse. I have forgiven my abuser, to not forgive would be allowing them back into my life. To not forgive gives them power over me. In fact, I hold no ill-will toward this person. I will just not have them in my life in any capacity. I sometimes get disappointed with myself when -during a moment of weakness- I think bad thoughts or speak bad of this person. I am once again allowing them occupancy in my head. I strive to not have that.

I would be insulted if you thought of me as a victim. I am a survivor! Six years ago it took every ounce of energy just to share this secret with my wife. Four years ago it took a little more out of me to share this with some of my family.  Two years ago, it took some real soul searching to proceed with telling the authorities. Along the way, I have shared my story with those who I thought could help me and I them. Now, here I am telling you; the world.

There are some days where I hit an emotional wall, days that I cannot achieve real happiness. I feel broken on those days, but never unfix-able. It has taken me awhile, but I have identified what that wall is. I am not being true to myself, I am not being transparent to everyone; I am hiding myself just in case I open up too much. I am being selfish. I need to get myself to the next level by helping others with the experience that I have gained. I want those who are struggling with their own hidden stories that they too can come forward. Had others before me not come out and shared their abuse stories, I would likely still be suffering in silence right now. The more of us that come forward will break the cycles of abuse. I am hopeful, that our broken silence will make those who have sick and abusive thoughts, think twice. Hopefully they will get the help they need before proceeding with ruining lives.

Over the next few blog postings I will share with you my healing as it has progressed over the past few years.  If anyone finds solace in my words or if anyone can find an ounce of strength from my experience, then I know I have done the right thing. That is all I can do, I cannot change the past. All of us are given a monumental challenge at some point in our life’s journey. It is how we grow from those challenges that will define our legacy. I am going to define mine now. I have broken the cycle, I have disturbed the silence, I cannot wait to hear the noise!”

 

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10 thoughts on “Featured Survivor – “The Roaming Mind”

  1. Very brave of you to talk about your story. Thank you for sharing and for allowing yourself to heal. The first step is to speak the truth..I am very happy you have had a supportive wife. I also have a supportive husband who is incredibly loyal to me and helps me feel safe. ..and yes the more of us who share our abuse story, the more people will hopefully also do the same and start to heal..Best Wishes to you and all abuse survivors!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your story has moved me very deeply. It takes courage and strength of character to heal and writing to heal certainly does help. I am in the process of sharing my abuse too, although i haven’t quite got to the nitty gritty of it yet…but it is a process. I write short stories about my journey on Far North Fiction and poetry on Poetry Out West if you would care to join me. Jx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thankfully I’ve never personally been the victim of abuse, but I’d like to say God bless you for coming forward, daring to expose the truth. I know it must have taken great courage and that your trust in your wife must have played an immense part. I believe the more these things come out in the open the better the hope to stop it happening. I commend your strength and courage

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I have to say that I have so much respect for this survivor. The way he has put his own child first and is fighting to protect him – that takes more strength and courage than even I know. Even though I spoke up as a child, my family covered it up and now my brother is a middle school teacher and it drives me crazy. Sometimes I think that I know he would never do anything to his students but in the back of my mind, I have to wonder. If he ever hurt anyone, I would think it was my fault for not telling the school that he used to be a child molester. I have struggled with this for years. I don’t want anyone else hurt but I also don’t want to upset his family and their lives, and the rest of my family who is already against me. Since my family covered it up and never reported it, it would be his word against mine. For me, the state statue of limitations has well past. I did tell my son once he was old enough, so that he could make the decision for his own children someday whether to be around my brother or not. I personally never left my son around my brother. Anyway, I know what it must take to come forward, report the abuse, and handle the outcome, good or bad. All my love to you my dear! You have all my support and understanding.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It would not be your fault if your brother ever continued to prey. That is all on him. You are doing everything you can by telling those you love to watch out for him and people like him. I absolutely HATE the statue of limitations and I am so glad that I do not have that where I live. This gives pardon’s by default and allows abusers (especially highly manipulative ones) to worm their way out of their crimes; especially when the abuser is in a position of trust and authority. Thank you for sharing my story, I hope it helps anyone who reads it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you my dear. It’s hard to take that in though, the sense of responsibility has a tight hold sometimes. I am glad your state’s legal system allows for charges after the fact. If I had that opportunity, I probably would have taken it a few years ago.

        Liked by 1 person

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