I am on a precipice. It’s decision time unfortunately. Family estrangement is a terrible thing. Having it be from your own child is even worse, especially when it happened under the influence of others trying to cause me harm, trying to force their own agendas.
Christmas is four days away and I have decided I will not be messaging my son. It’s like this time last year is happening all over again – he ever so briefly responded to my “Happy Thanksgiving” message and then I never heard from him until his wedding this last October. Since Thanksgiving this year, I have sent messages about our family dog dying and also to offer my love and support for his grandpa passing away. My son read them but didn’t respond to either. I thought our relationship would be better after the wedding, but it has went right back to the way it was. He clearly was leading me on. It doesn’t help that he and his wife are currently living with one of my evil sisters.
The thing is, I am tired of making excuses for him and trying to justify his actions. It has been almost 6 long years that I have been dealing with this crap and I am done! I deserve so much more respect than this. To me, my son is almost worse than the children who just completely estrange from a parent – mine will slightly draw me in just to cut me off again. This has happened over and over again and I have grown tired of it. It’s simply cruel.
It may seem terrible to many of you who have never experienced child estrangement, but there comes a time when we really do just have to let go and my time has come. I will always love my son, but I will be honest, that love has changed. When your heart has been torn over and over from the inside out, you can’t help but lose what you once felt – it is damaged. And if you hurt someone long enough, the heart has no choice but to protect itself. For those parents out there that feel this way but can’t admit it out loud, I will admit right here and now that the love I have now for my son is not the love I once had. You are not alone!!
I think if I had one wish it would be that child/parent estrangement didn’t come with such a stigma. Honestly, you never know whose fault it is – I have seen it be the child’s fault and I have seen it be the parents fault and then I have also seen it be a combination of both, although usually that one can be chalked up to terrible communication. Please, to those who have not been through this, do not just assume that it is the parent’s fault. And do not hold it against us when our feelings change or when we finally, after trying and trying, after being continuously dragged through the mud and the muck, let go. I will always be here for me son, if he ever wants me, but I just can’t keep walking on hot coals, fire and egg shells for someone who has left me in the dust.