I Am Done

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I am on a precipice. It’s decision time unfortunately. Family estrangement is a terrible thing. Having it be from your own child is even worse, especially when it happened under the influence of others trying to cause me harm, trying to force their own agendas.

Christmas is four days away and I have decided I will not be messaging my son. It’s like this time last year is happening all over again – he ever so briefly responded to my “Happy Thanksgiving” message and then I never heard from him until his wedding this last October. Since Thanksgiving this year, I have sent messages about our family dog dying and also to offer my love and support for his grandpa passing away. My son read them but didn’t respond to either. I thought our relationship would be better after the wedding, but it has went right back to the way it was. He clearly was leading me on. It doesn’t help that he and his wife are currently living with one of my evil sisters.

The thing is, I am tired of making excuses for him and trying to justify his actions. It has been almost 6 long years that I have been dealing with this crap and I am done! I deserve so much more respect than this. To me, my son is almost worse than the children who just completely estrange from a parent – mine will slightly draw me in just to cut me off again.  This has happened over and over again and I have grown tired of it. It’s simply cruel.

It may seem terrible to many of you who have never experienced child estrangement, but there comes a time when we really do just have to let go and my time has come. I will always love my son, but I will be honest, that love has changed. When your heart has been torn over and over from the inside out, you can’t help but lose what you once felt – it is damaged. And if you hurt someone long enough, the heart has no choice but to protect itself. For those parents out there that feel this way but can’t admit it out loud, I will admit right here and now that the love I have now for my son is not the love I once had. You are not alone!!

I think if I had one wish it would be that child/parent estrangement didn’t come with such a stigma.  Honestly, you never know whose fault it is – I have seen it be the child’s fault and I have seen it be the parents fault and then I have also seen it be a combination of both, although usually that one can be chalked up to terrible communication. Please, to those who have not been through this, do not just assume that it is the parent’s fault. And do not hold it against us when our feelings change or when we finally, after trying and trying, after being continuously dragged through the mud and the muck, let go. I will always be here for me son, if he ever wants me, but I just can’t keep walking on hot coals, fire and egg shells for someone who has left me in the dust.

Letting Go2

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23 thoughts on “I Am Done

  1. I’m sorry you go through this, too. I thought I was the only one. I just wrote a post this week Sometimes You Have to Stop Saying Sorry. It really is true that you sometimes have to accept that love changes. Your meme was really good. Wishing you much peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “Sometimes You Have to Stop Saying Sorry.” Oh man, is this ever true for me! I apologize for so many things that aren’t even remotely my fault. I will have to go check that post out! Hgus to you dear!

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  2. Though it’s a little different I go through this with my daughter. She is 18 in less than a month and I have decided to
    Let her go. She continually comes into my home, disrupting everything- including my younger children. Even stealing, lying, and won’t talk to me. I wrote a long draft about her a couple weeks ago but I haven’t posted it yet. She breaks my heart over and over. I always jump when she says jump. I always try to make up for allowing my mother to adopt her and then bad things happened to both of us. I don’t yell at her or really punish her. I used to be too scared she would leave me again. This last time she took off to Arizona- I’m in Ohio. I had to pay 350$ to get her home. I took her and her boyfriend and my grandson in- only to have money and things continually come up missing- even things that were broken in the house- they have no idea what happened. This last time – she moved out while I was sleeping, taking my food stamp card with her. Using 518$ to fill her new house up with food i imagine. Leaving me and her young brother and sister only 100$ for the month. Right before Christmas. I’ve cleared out the things she left behind and vowed to be done. I have done this her whole life and now she’s 18 she can do it herself. Let her hurt and see what the world is like without me. 😦
    I understand so much what you are going through.

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    1. It actually is a bit the same – it’s children not respecting their parents and thinking they are entitled to everything they want! It’s a whole generation that’s out there right now and it drives me nuts! I’m sorry you are dealing with this; I know what it does to you and your mind.

      After everything she has done, it may be good that you let go. I know it wasn’t easy for you – in fact it’s probably one of the hardest things you had to do. But just because we are parents doesn’t mean we should be allowed to be taken advantage of and walked all over. No one deserves that.

      My heart is with you my dear! I am always here if you need to talk or just vent. HUGS!!

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  3. Sarah,

    My heart aches for you, but also for me. To read the words of a mother who wants, needs, a relationship with her child is very touching and painful for me.
    My mother and stepfather abused me from a very young age. When I was 15 I told a friend who told the counselor at school. Long story short I ended up in foster care. I had to testify in court against my mother, and she decided to forfeit all custody of me to the state. I learned later from my foster parents that she said she never wanted to have anything to do with me ever again.
    I spent the next 3 years in foster care, then was dumped out in the world alone at 18. I have fought tooth and nail for everything I have ever achieved. I learned the lessons a parent should save you from the hard way. I didn’t have the help and support, emotionally or financially that some get from their parents. I also have a very small family that didn’t really understand what had happened when I was growing up.
    I graduated from college, and have a career that I can support myself with finally at 34 years old. I recently had a hysterectomy and wanted more than anything to have the support of a loving parent during that time. Every holiday and major event in my life, I mourn not having any parents to share it with. I never knew my father, and my grandmother passed in 2011. People have come and gone in my life that have tried to be “replacements” for parents, but it is never the same. I struggle with believing anyone could ever love me because the people in my life that are supposed to love me unconditionally don’t. So why would anyone else? I guess your posting just really hit home with me, because I yearn for a mother like you yearn for your son. My mother is a mentally ill person who did and allowed horrible things to happen to me as a child, so I do not yearn for her. I yearn for a fictional mother who would love me no matter what. A mother who would “walk on hot coals, fire and egg shells” for me. The unconditional love that you can’t find anywhere else.

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    1. I’m sorry you are dealing with this too. It hurts just as much no matter whether you are the child or the parent if you are the one that got hurt. As a parent, I think the one thing I can say is true is that there are no perfect parents. However, abuse, even emotional abuse, to a child is despicable. And the abandonment that you experienced from your mother IS emotional abuse. Although my parents never left me behind, I felt abandoned in other ways. Most people may not realize it but sexual abuse is also emotional abuse, as is physical abuse. All abuse takes an emotional tool on a child, and also the adult that child grows into.

      I hope you know that what your mother did to you is not a reflection on you, but rather on her. You were not a bad child and it was not your fault. Having said that, going through it with a mentally ill parent would not be easy – I can only imagine what you have been through. What it tells me though is that you must be one hell of a strong person! You may not feel it but I can tell you that you are. In most cases, survivors of abuse are often the strongest people out there.

      As far as mourning family, I know that one all to well. It is a different type of mourning than losing someone to death. It is so difficult know our family is alive and well but just don’t want us. It messes with your head! I have had to come along way to start getting past what estrangements and abandonment did to me. Holidays are the worst – I think I will always grieve for the family I used to have, as well as for the family I wish I had.It will always feel a little lonely. I am guessing this is how it is for you too?

      Your reply made me tear up a little. It makes me sad to see others going through such a terrible thing.I am not estranged from my mother anymore but I will never see her as the mother she used to be; I will never feel’unconditional’ love from her. I guess I have just had to come to an acceptance of that.

      I am always here for you sweetness! I know this pain well and I understand. HUGS!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your kind words and support. I know it is not a reflection on me, she was just ill and doing the best she could. I struggle with trying to be perfect and feel like I’m never good enough, but I am healing and doing my best to use that to my advantage. I’ve always been able to excel at everything I’ve done because I have that drive to be my best.

        As you said, your son’s decisions and actions are not a reflection on you. You raised him the best you could with what you had available to you at the time. Even now, you are doing the best you can.

        I’m proud of you for stopping a destructive cycle, as difficult as it is to be estranged from someone you care so much about. Take care of yourself, you matter to me.

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      2. ” I struggle with trying to be perfect and feel like I’m never good enough, but I am healing and doing my best to use that to my advantage. I’ve always been able to excel at everything I’ve done because I have that drive to be my best.” You and I are so very alike with this! Perfectionism is a sign of child abuse and man do I ever suffer from it. Like you said, I always try to be perfect yet I never feel good enough no matter how perfect I am. You matter to me too my dear!! I am so proud of you for continuing to move forward. 🙂

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  4. Hmm am trying to think here, offer something good to say. I can only go from my experience, and that is only being a child. My parents didn’t do the best job really, to be honest, and I have told my mother several times that if she does not stop her insensitive ways, she might lose me. I have not used that threat regularly, only when she has been totally “out of control hurtful” with her issues with empathy… so. What I’m trying to say is, I had “plenty of reason” to cut my mother out of my life. Yet, I never did! That’s how strong loyalty to parents are. So, my conclusion is; Maybe your son is still quite young, enough to perhaps be affected by the talk from someone else? That’s my best guess. If so, I think, and hope, that there’s a good chance he’ll “come around”. After all, you only have one mother. Last year my mother treated me really bad emotionally one time, I still stuck by her…. My guess = it will change with time. Still horrible and am sorry for your pain! Can you ask to talk things through or is that impossible?💜

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    1. I think what you have written here is a of of my point – I was molested by my father and emotionally abused by my mother yet I maintained relationships with them. I have done nothing of the sort to my son. What I do have his an ex who did everything imaginable to alienate my son from me, and then after some family issues, my sisters joined in his effort. Those are all very long stories that I have posted about so I won’t go into detail here. I’m just hoping that someday, he will look back past all their lies and see the truth, see the love I held for him, the way I fought for him and his rights for half his life. I have physical proof against all the lies but so far, he just won’t let himself believe the truth, won’t take it in at all. I have tried talking to him so many times. Thank you so much for you reply sweetness!

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  5. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope that in the near future things can get better between your son and you. I can’t imagine the pain you have felt or what or son is feeling. Praying for the best in your situation. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Well until he can be honest with himself and brave enough to be honest with you, things may just remain the way they are. I’m sure in due time things will start to come out in the open and that would be the time to start dealing and healing from the pain.

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