I wanted to share some more of my favorite, more-than-meaningful passages from novels I have read, passages that have really touched my heart:
“For how could you establish even the most obvious fact when there existed no record outside your own memory?” (1984) This is one of my innermost pains – knowing I am telling the truth but no one believes me.
“The end was contained in the beginning.” (1984) The minute my brother and then my father molested me, they marked the rest of my life.
“After all, how many ways can one heart be mangled and still be expected to keep beating?” (New Moon) This is the epitome of how I felt after all the family estrangements and trauma.
“Maybe he was simply tired of life, of the absolute effort it took to get up every goddamned morning and walk out into the same fucking day with only slight variations in the weather and the food.” (Mystic River) This was very much how I felt when I was nearing suicidal thoughts, as if nothing would ever change. I am so thankful that I held on and that things did change.
“Defying time and explanation, her closed front door had opened to the past, the present, the future where dreams have the chance to mend. Dreams that help her heart to heal and allow her soul to soar by allowing time to temper, to bend and grant her hope again.” (Uncommon Bond) Such an appropriate passage to be in line after the last. There is always hope, ever when it can’t be seen or felt. Sometimes it really does just take some time and space.
“My feelings just turned off and there was nothing I could do about it. It was a self-preservation thing that I didn’t know about at the time. My mind was trying to protect me from my heart. I had been hurt so much in my life that my mind wouldn’t let me take any more chances.” (Uncommon Bond) My god, I think I have said and written almost this exact thing!
“The damage done to a child is never really fixed. There are not enough counseling or drugs or life experiences to fix the damage. It is just dealt with by compensation in one form or the other.” (Uncommon Bond) I agree with this, that the damage can’t be fixed. But I think we can take that damage and learn from it, grow from it.
“I often wonder what drives people to do things. Whether it’s put in their minds at birth, or if it is learned as they grow. Maybe it’s even forced upon them by circumstances that are out of their hands.” (The Coincidence of Callie and Kayden) Such a powerful passage and a question I have held for so very long now. I think a lot is learned (my evil sisters) and sometimes it is something forced upon people (me, my sisters, my son).
“What if I trust someone again and they steal something away from me. I don’t really have that much left before I’m hollow.” (The Coincidence of Callie and Kayden) Oh, how I remember this feeling! I still feel it from time to time, waiting for that last thing to break me. I handle it better now but the shards of glass still move around inside me.
“I hate that crossing paths with someone from my past can throw me back to the darkness and sadness that may always be a part of me.” (The Coincidence of Callie and Kayden) Yup, this is most of my family for me, but it can also be a place, a smell, a feeling.
“I was once shattered into pieces, destroyed by the hand of another, but now I feel like I’m beginning to reconnect.” (The Redemption of Callie and Kayden) Yes, even though we can be shattered, we can also piece ourselves back together again.
” Really, I don’t know what I’m doing and all I can hope for is the best. It’s the worst feeling in the world because hope has never been that kind to me.” (The Redemption of Callie and Kayden) I almost have to laugh reading this now! It is so true!
“You don’t forget. You just move past it. Let go. Be who you were supposed to be instead of who they make you feel like you should be.” (The Redemption of Callie and Kayden) Yes! Yes, yes, yes. I am working on this.
“The tears, the pain, the past, none of it matters. They’re just things that exist inside me like the scars on my body. Sure, they’ll always be there, reminding me of what I went through, but it doesn’t mean I have to hold onto the pain.” (The Redemption of Callie and Kayden) I wish I had learned this earlier than I did but I am glad that I finally did. Knowing it and doing it are two different things and I am trying.
“I blinked hard, blinked back the nothing. I felt nothing.I felt no tears. I was empty inside, because emptiness was better than agony.” and “I wouldn’t cry. Couldn’t. To let it go would be to open my soul. It would never stop.” (Falling Into You) This was how I felt leading up to, during, and after my father’s death. Not feeling was better than feeling pain. I knew I couldn’t cry because once it started, it would never stop.
“Just sit and let it all rip you apart. And then get up and keep breathing. One breath at a time. One day at a time. Wake up, and be shredded. Cry for a while. The stop crying and go about your day. You’re not okay, but you’re alive, and you will be okay, someday.” (Falling Into You) There is so much truth to this. We will be okay someday. We just have to fight through it, through the pain; we have to find our own strength and courage. We just need to make it though to the other side.
Okay, that’s enough for now. I have a lot more to share but will do so over time. I hope you find some meaning in these. I know I did!