I don’t have thoughtful words to share today but rather questions and confusion. Sometimes, I just don’t understand grief, or rather I don’t understand how it affects everyone so differently.
With everything I have been through, I try to always be understanding of others, to be compassionate. I know that everyone reacts in their own way to trauma and tragedy. But watching it play out sometimes makes understanding difficult.
Tonight marks 2 weeks since that terrible night with my precious little doggie. We received his remains and urn back last Friday; I cried all the way home. There’s thoughts in my head that I do not want – I know what is in that urn and it kills me to think about it. I thought the pain and grief had started easing but these last two days, it has regressed.
When I found out my son’s paternal grandpa had passed away a couple days ago, I felt sad. I didn’t really know him but he was a good man and I felt for my son and even for my son’s father. I almost felt bad for all the grief I am feeling over a dog when they lost a person! The things is, the day after my son’s father posted on Facebook about his father’s passing, he was re-sharing posts, about Star Wars, funny comics, etc. And then today he re-shared a comedic and foul-language laced video of the audio from a scene in the movie “Full Metal Jacket” dubbed over a scene from the classic TV show “Rodulph The Red-nosed Reindeer” – it totally defiled such beloved characters from my childhood! That was irritating but what actually got to me was that the very day after losing his father, he was ‘liking’ and re-sharing funny things on Facebook.
Now, obviously I have no idea of how his father’s death is affecting him, maybe the whole Facebook thing is his way of coping. All I know is that in the first week after my dog’s passing, I had no desire at all to be on social media. I was in pain and all that kind of stuff felt so meaningless compared to losing someone I loved so very much. So I guess my question is this – if that’s how I reacted over losing a pet, how could my son’s father be playing and joking online just one day after losing his father? Although I remain compassionate, I just don’t understand.
It’s okay to admit that we don’t understand something – honesty is an amazing thing after all. I just wish I could understand. I guess grief is a very personal thing. If we all love differently then I guess it follows that we all grieve differently. When my father died, it was a different time in my life – the family drama was at its height and I had shut down my emotions. I was angry with my father before he died and then angry with him for dying. I have come to learn though that I was really angry with myself. I didn’t really experience my father’s death – wouldn’t ever let myself emotionally. I sometimes wonder if the family drama took place so that I would be emotionally distant, that otherwise my father’s death would have killed me.But I would hate to think that’s how the world works.
When i think about, I guess it seems terrible that I grieved more for my dog than my father but there were so may circumstances at play with each. Maybe that’s how it is for my son’s father as well. Maybe he is just at peace with it. Maybe he just doesn’t feel grief as deeply as others. Maybe I can understand after all…