Do you ever read something that jumps out at you, surrounds you, and feels as if it found you, as if it was meant for you to discover? In my continuing effort to share important passages from novels that have touched me, I offer this from “Uncommon Bond” by C.L. Gillmore:
“I dragged the baggage of my splintered childhood around with me day after day, year after year, but somehow managed to function as a somewhat normal person, except when it came to sustaining a relationship or even a friendship. It was then that the baggage wrapped around my neck and choked the feelings right out of me. I was a loner and I would remain a loner. To get close to another person, male or female, meant eventually the person would leave or die and I would be left alone again.”
“Damn” is all I have to say! Someone else stated so perfectly the thoughts and feelings I have held inside me. There is so much in this passage: abuse, abandonment, insecurity, doubt, internal suffering. I love the phrase “splintered childhood”. My childhood was splintered, my life splintered, I splintered. And with all those splinters, no one wanted to touch me. And I hid behind those splinters, dwelling within their protection. Never let anyone get too close, never trust, never let my guard down. The thing is, I still loved, loved more than anyone, only to find that I would never feel as loved as the love I gave. With as far as I have come, and after pealing away the splinters, I simply don’t know that I can truly believe someone could love me.
I know I have so much to give but many will just not accept. The love I know I have in my heart – I still don’t know how my own can family throw it away, how friends came and went. I don’t know what it is about me that turns many people away. Maybe my baggage was just too much for them to handle. I have actually had someone tell me to cheer up because I was bringing others down. Nice, huh? Such compassion! This was of course a person who had not yet known of tragedy in her life and she did not know of mine.
I am, in many ways, a loner. I think I always have been and just didn’t realize it. It’s what those of us with splintered childhoods do! We try to protect our hearts, only to have them broken time and again. It’s push-pull really – we want love so desperately and yet we cannot accept it. Hell, sometimes we can’t even see it through our clouded eyes. I am working on this, trying hard to adjust my mindset. I guess if it is just a piece at a time, then I am moving forward and making progress.
To everyone with splintered childhoods – I see you, I hear you, I know you, and I understand you! You are not alone. ❤