Is It Time To Just Let Go?

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So much happened over my weekend that I am not sure what to write about first. I guess I can just start with this post and see where it goes.

Saturday morning – I woke up but stayed cozy in bed for a while since it was pouring rain outside. I took my phone and scrolled through friends’ posts on Facebook. I came across one that immediately caught my eye – my son’s father had posted a picture of my son with his grandpa, and he wrote that his father (my son’s grandpa) had passed away the day before. I laid there in a little bit of shock, and if not shock maybe more surprise – awe hell, not even that – it was more a feeling of… figures!

It figures that I would find out that my son’s grandpa died through a post on friggen Facebook, not even a private message – a public post! Neither my son or his father informed me – it figures. I sent them both private messages offering my condolences, telling my son that I love him and am always here for him. He read it and didn’t respond at all.  This follows a message I sent to him a couple weeks ago letting him know that our little family dog had died – again, he read it and just didn’t even bother to respond. I asked for his phone number and again, he didn’t respond. Oh, and what makes all this ever better is that he is living with one of my evil sisters and she is the one consoling him.  Nice, huh?

What did I ever do to deserve this?  I am not asking out of pain or emotional push anymore,  I am asking as a logical, thinking human being. I know parents should never give up on their children but how long should I hold on when he clearly still won’t tell me the truth and in fact seems to have regressed back into total estrangement? It doesn’t hurt much anymore, I am just tired; I am so tired of trying and trying only to have nothing returned and I am tired of all the lies.

Why is it so hard for people to just be honest?! If I don’t like the truth, I can at least respect it; I can deal with it.  It’s the exaggerations and lies that really get under my skin and make me furious. I guess with everything I have been through, I have learned to value honesty and truth more than most. Honestly, when I consider my son these days, the thought that goes through my head is that I can believe he was bore from me! I know how that sounds, believe me I do! But when I see the person he is, a man who can do this to his mother, a mother who loved him dearly, a mother who doesn’t deserve it – that it not the little boy I raised. He is his father’s little boy, and my sisters’ little boy. Nothing of me exists in him anymore.

I thought that after his wedding, things would finally change. But it seems as though he only put on the smile because he was in my physical presence. Since the wedding, no contact really, no thank yous for the wedding gifts, no reaching out after our dog died, no response to me after his grandpa’s death. I am at the point of wanting to just give up. I will always be here if he ever chooses to come back but until then, should I keep reaching out just to be shunned and shut out?

In my mind, I have three options:

  • keep trying to reach out (even though it hasn’t been working for almost six years)
  • lay into him and share my thoughts (which I have done multiple times over those years, in many different ways, both aggressively and passively)
  • just walk away, no more trying, no more contact initiated by me, and hope that someday he realizes where the truth actually lies and comes back to me

I know everyone out there will have a different opinion but unless you have been through child estrangement, you don’t know at all what it is like, what we parents go through, what our children have done. I am still thinking about it, but I think I am leaning on walking away. It’s time to let go and let him find himself. I don’t deserve to feel pain each time he doesn’t respond. The couple times he has told me he loves me in a Facebook message, only after I have written to him, how am I supposed to believe it when he lies to me all the time? So I have a mix of lies and abandonment – I am just so tired….

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17 thoughts on “Is It Time To Just Let Go?

  1. I recently sent my children each a letter saying I was done reaching out to them, and if they ever need me, I love them and will be here for them no matter what, no matter where in the world I might be. It felt so final. But I needed to step out of their game because it was killing me. I’d ended up in the hospital on suicide once already from this estrangement, and I don’t EVER want to feel that way again. I realized that as long as I kept reaching out and being rejected, the pain was too much for me. The only way to protect myself was to let go. It was hard. It still is hard. It probably will remain hard for a long, long time. But at least I’m doing better now with fewer worries about being sent on that downward spiral again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh sweetness, how I wish I could reach out to you and give you one giant hug! Ugh, the whole heart-felt letter thing – it is something that anyone dealing with estrangement knows all too well. I am glad you put yourself first and took a stand though. I used to write letters to my son, loving letters, apologizing letters (not that I knew what to apologize for), and even confrontational letters. None of them did any good. I finally decided to stop the letters and attempts at contact and in so doing, stopped giving him all the power. My son is a bit of a tease too, so occasionally he would let me think a letter had works, but he was pulling my back in only to cut me loose once again.

      Stay strong in your convictions my dear! It is up to our children now to come back, to want to come back. I won’t waste my life anymore trying to move a mountain. I will be waiting in the valley if my son ever wants to come down.

      Just because our children don’t see our worth doesn’t mean we are worthless. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Well I don’t know whether surprise or shock is the correct word here but I could feel each and every word you wrote. I have been through the same experience except it wasn’t my child as I don’t have any still single but someone else. question is does it matter? if not your child then someone else who really matters. I need not write my experience because it is almost reiteration of your version except the change in relationship. The biggest difference though is that there is no complete estrangement in my case its like walking in and out as when the opposite person thinks it is necessary. I am told that the reason for such behaviour is my own good and I don’t really understand it. So much lies and covering up even after knowing I’ll see right through it. I have also started pretending that I buy the reasons given to me for such behaviour because I know there is no point stretching it. If I confront there will be another lie maybe a more logical and concrete one thrown at me. Honestly I can’t take it anymore and have the same confusion as you have.

    I am avoiding any personal relation as much as possible and maintaining professional relationship because it is important and necessary. Mixing both is going to cause nothing but more trouble I think. Kindly shed some light of your views about it.

    🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know what it can do to you and how it can even change you. I wish I HAD more light to shed for you. I have posted a lot about estrangement over the last few months and the singular thing I have learned is that I have no control over the situation or my son. I only have control of what I allow it and him to do to me. Since my post yesterday, I think I have decided to stop reaching out and to just live my life and hope someday things improve. All the knowledge and truth in the world will not matter to my son at all if it is show to him by me.

      I think what has given me some comfort is realizing that his thoughts and actions are more a reflection of him and who HE is more than a reflection of me. It is a reflection of those influencing him and trying to do me harm, trying to fulfill their own devious, personal agendas. I want no part of that and I don’t play their games anymore. THAT is what freed me!

      Does it hurt? I won’t lie – yes, it does and it always will in my heart, he is my son after all. But I won’t let it consume me anymore. I know that I am a good, kind and caring person and nothing they try to do or say will change that. I almost let it change me, a while back, but I am so thankful it didn’t. HUGS to you my dear. I am always here if you need to talk or even just vent.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much for such a kind reply. You can at least console yourself thinking your son behaves as per the influence of people around him who try to harm you. I don’t even have that satisfaction. There is no one to influence the other person. You can stop reaching out I cannot I have to at least for professional purposes. I can’t avoid talking or sight of that person though nowadays I try to keep it as short as possible.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I so empathize with you in not being able to fully walk away. I can’t even imagine how it would feel to have to see my son and endure his actions in person. I feel for you my dear – my heart and thoughts are with you always!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. “I laid there in a little bit of shock, and if not shock maybe more surprise – awe hell, not even that – it was more a feeling of… figures!”
    Sounds like a little of all of the above.

    Liked by 1 person

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