So much happened over my weekend that I am not sure what to write about first. I guess I can just start with this post and see where it goes.
Saturday morning – I woke up but stayed cozy in bed for a while since it was pouring rain outside. I took my phone and scrolled through friends’ posts on Facebook. I came across one that immediately caught my eye – my son’s father had posted a picture of my son with his grandpa, and he wrote that his father (my son’s grandpa) had passed away the day before. I laid there in a little bit of shock, and if not shock maybe more surprise – awe hell, not even that – it was more a feeling of… figures!
It figures that I would find out that my son’s grandpa died through a post on friggen Facebook, not even a private message – a public post! Neither my son or his father informed me – it figures. I sent them both private messages offering my condolences, telling my son that I love him and am always here for him. He read it and didn’t respond at all. This follows a message I sent to him a couple weeks ago letting him know that our little family dog had died – again, he read it and just didn’t even bother to respond. I asked for his phone number and again, he didn’t respond. Oh, and what makes all this ever better is that he is living with one of my evil sisters and she is the one consoling him. Nice, huh?
What did I ever do to deserve this? I am not asking out of pain or emotional push anymore, I am asking as a logical, thinking human being. I know parents should never give up on their children but how long should I hold on when he clearly still won’t tell me the truth and in fact seems to have regressed back into total estrangement? It doesn’t hurt much anymore, I am just tired; I am so tired of trying and trying only to have nothing returned and I am tired of all the lies.
Why is it so hard for people to just be honest?! If I don’t like the truth, I can at least respect it; I can deal with it. It’s the exaggerations and lies that really get under my skin and make me furious. I guess with everything I have been through, I have learned to value honesty and truth more than most. Honestly, when I consider my son these days, the thought that goes through my head is that I can believe he was bore from me! I know how that sounds, believe me I do! But when I see the person he is, a man who can do this to his mother, a mother who loved him dearly, a mother who doesn’t deserve it – that it not the little boy I raised. He is his father’s little boy, and my sisters’ little boy. Nothing of me exists in him anymore.
I thought that after his wedding, things would finally change. But it seems as though he only put on the smile because he was in my physical presence. Since the wedding, no contact really, no thank yous for the wedding gifts, no reaching out after our dog died, no response to me after his grandpa’s death. I am at the point of wanting to just give up. I will always be here if he ever chooses to come back but until then, should I keep reaching out just to be shunned and shut out?
In my mind, I have three options:
- keep trying to reach out (even though it hasn’t been working for almost six years)
- lay into him and share my thoughts (which I have done multiple times over those years, in many different ways, both aggressively and passively)
- just walk away, no more trying, no more contact initiated by me, and hope that someday he realizes where the truth actually lies and comes back to me
I know everyone out there will have a different opinion but unless you have been through child estrangement, you don’t know at all what it is like, what we parents go through, what our children have done. I am still thinking about it, but I think I am leaning on walking away. It’s time to let go and let him find himself. I don’t deserve to feel pain each time he doesn’t respond. The couple times he has told me he loves me in a Facebook message, only after I have written to him, how am I supposed to believe it when he lies to me all the time? So I have a mix of lies and abandonment – I am just so tired….