Searching For The Christmas Spirit

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It feels so weird to have been down for years, then finally back up for a couple months, then back down, although nowhere near as far down as before.

I am just now starting to feel a little better after losing our little dog. It still hurts and I miss him so terribly much but yesterday was the first day I made it through without crying. I could have twice but I held it back – it hurts too much when I cry. Unfortunately, when I told my husband that, he had the audacity to ask me if I still miss him. What? You did not just ask me that? Just because I manage not to cry does not mean I don’t hurt and miss our little baby. I am trying not to hold it against him – it was a stupid question but I know he is still grieving too.

I find myself now though feeling guilty when I have small moments that feel normal, like I shouldn’t be happy again, that is disrespectful to our dog. But I know my little pup would want us to be happy. The truth is, I can’t allow myself to stay in any pain for too long, not after everything I have been through and finally come through. It would be too easy just yet to be pulled back in and down and I don’t want to be there anymore.

Now, Christmas is upon us and I am struggling to find holiday joy and cheer. Again, I feel guilty if I do but it is also just hard to find after our loss. I am trying though. I decorated my work desk just a little in an effort to try. Honestly, I am so not about shopping or gifts this year – I just wish I could be with others feeling lonely, those without family, those suffering loss – lifting each other up, sharing stories, tears, hugs and smiles. Maybe someday I can find a way to actually do that.

In fact, this is what I CAN do! On Christmas day, I will start a post and if anyone here needs to talk or just check in, I will be there checking in with that post replies throughout the day. Let’s be there for each other! 🙂

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Searching For The Christmas Spirit

  1. When the tears stop what starts to replace them is the happy memories that fill your heart with love. That’s when you get to honour your little dogs life with those feelings, rather than through the pain of loss. Missing him and remembering him with love are the same thing in the end.

    Xx it’s okay not to cry all the time. It absolutely does not devalue the love you have for your pup or diminish the pain of missing him. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. Our annals are a part of our families. Sometimes you have to recognize that you’ve reached your capacity for pain and pull yourself out of it the best way that you can. There’s no shame in that. It’s healthy, I think.

    Sending you tons of hugs and positive thoughts. 💜

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Sarah,
    You are constantly here for others who are lonely and suffering loss. There is immense power in just feeling like you’re not alone in struggles, that someone else feels pain too.
    Your husband is grieving, and maybe doesn’t know how to comfort you. Just do your best to have compassion for him during this time, and most of all empathy for yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re allowed to grieve no matter how short or long the process is. Celebrating a holiday doesn’t take anything away from the love you have for your dog. You don’t have to wallow in sorrow to show how much you cared for your dog. It’s obvious in your words and thoughts. And he knew he was cared for every time you gave him his morning treat and let him out. Every time you petted him or took him for a walk. He wouldn’t want you to be sad, he would want you to hold his memory close to your heart and remember the joy and happiness he brought to your life!
    Take care of yourself

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this! Thank you so much. I really needed to hear these things. It’s the first time I have truly felt loss and sometimes I just don’t know what to do with it sometimes. But I guess you’re right – there is no right or wrong way or length of time. I know my hubby is grieving too and most likely in different ways than I am, and I am trying to give him that benefit of the doubt. I think for me, I have to make the pain be less or it will take me to places I don’t want to be, but my husband is feeling it in real time and allowing it in. HUGS to you my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

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