It feels so weird to have been down for years, then finally back up for a couple months, then back down, although nowhere near as far down as before.
I am just now starting to feel a little better after losing our little dog. It still hurts and I miss him so terribly much but yesterday was the first day I made it through without crying. I could have twice but I held it back – it hurts too much when I cry. Unfortunately, when I told my husband that, he had the audacity to ask me if I still miss him. What? You did not just ask me that? Just because I manage not to cry does not mean I don’t hurt and miss our little baby. I am trying not to hold it against him – it was a stupid question but I know he is still grieving too.
I find myself now though feeling guilty when I have small moments that feel normal, like I shouldn’t be happy again, that is disrespectful to our dog. But I know my little pup would want us to be happy. The truth is, I can’t allow myself to stay in any pain for too long, not after everything I have been through and finally come through. It would be too easy just yet to be pulled back in and down and I don’t want to be there anymore.
Now, Christmas is upon us and I am struggling to find holiday joy and cheer. Again, I feel guilty if I do but it is also just hard to find after our loss. I am trying though. I decorated my work desk just a little in an effort to try. Honestly, I am so not about shopping or gifts this year – I just wish I could be with others feeling lonely, those without family, those suffering loss – lifting each other up, sharing stories, tears, hugs and smiles. Maybe someday I can find a way to actually do that.
In fact, this is what I CAN do! On Christmas day, I will start a post and if anyone here needs to talk or just check in, I will be there checking in with that post replies throughout the day. Let’s be there for each other! 🙂