Questioning Life

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This is not coming from a depressed or suicidal place, I just find myself questioning life after the loss of our precious dog.

It’s a thought I have had before but it is more pronounced after our recent loss. Currently in my life, even though I have been healing and doing better after all the family drama and estrangements, everything just seems so pointless in general.  I have a job and career I don’t like but can’t change for reasons I won’t go into here. Besides my hubby and step-son, I have no family anymore and my best friend is half a country away. Money is tight right now so there is nothing to do but just sit at home, much of the time alone. Our little Scottie was the one keeping me company and now he is gone and I feel the lack of his presence immensely.

I just don’t know what the future holds for me. I was discussing it with my best friend and she said it sounds like I feel like I have no purpose in life – and my god she nailed it. With everything I have been through and lost, it’s hard to see a future where my life is filled with joy and purpose.  It’s hard to see how that will ever happen. It’s hard to see what will change. I know I can only live in the now but right now, now hurts. And I know it will begin to pass, the sadness of the loss, it just seems so deep right now.

Losing my religion and belief in God is another factor. When I was a believer, there was at least the hope of Heaven after such a traumatic life. But I am not sure what I believe anymore and that leaves the emptiness even more intense sometimes.

I have started taking long walks again and trying to keep myself busy with house cleaning and such, trying to distract my thoughts, but once that’s done, there is only time to sit on the couch and watch TV. I have no friends or extended family to go do things with. Life just has to be about more than that! Please tell me that my whole life is not going to big just one big tragedy after the next! I’m trying to hope; I’m trying…..

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21 thoughts on “Questioning Life

  1. I will never forget when our dog died. It was awful; I failed him when he needed me most 😦
    That was probably 6 yrs ago. Losing him re-opened so many wounds.
    I just ran across your blog.
    I get the questioning life part. Been, done that.
    – Kenzel

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are bringing hope to others through your blog… So many people read it and know they’re not alone in struggle. Have faith, you’re not alone either. Everyone struggles sometimes. Some people struggle all of the time. But we keep on fighting. Your higher purpose is to help others with your writing, and you’re doing that.!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this, sincerely. It’s all I want to do – help others through their pain, hear and support their struggles and journeys. I guess I have to allow that same understanding for myself, and know that I too will have ups and downs.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sorry for the loss of your dog. Heart going out to you. Your positive moment is going to be around the next corner. The answers you seek about life have always been with you. The hope you seek is within. The answers you seek are within. God, i.e. the Universe is within you. All you have to do is be true with yourself and then look deep within your being to gain a true understanding of all things relative to you.

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  4. Long walks are good for all of us. Catastrophic thinking is something I have dealt with (what disaster is going to happen next) but I believe you openness and honesty will continue to lead you to healing. I second what Genie said, it will be a process. How long depends on your needs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Actually, how long also depends on being able to control that catastrophic thinking. Right? I am working on it though. I actually will be posting today about that somewhat – the weekend I had, the thoughts I had, and did they control me or not.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. All I can say is, for me, I know there’s a God. I know there’s something out there. Something better. Bigger. But during my dark times, I feel just like you. I say is this it? Hopefully one day you will find it. And I wish the same for myself…it’s a journey. A path that we have to tread I guess…

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  6. My dear sarah, pain is always by there to remind us that we are human. I went to my therapist and somehow he assured me, it’s okay. Went to the doctor and he told me that I have indigestion. All day I had to endure looking for jobs and at the end I almost begged for one. To top it off, my wife was babbling about I did botched up job on indeed.com resume. All the while since last Monday I am suffering from tinutis and I have a migraine that has surfaced since last Saturday. My point is that, you’re better than my situation. Be grateful on what you haveab now, and work with the people that need you most. Go back and read New Testament and everything will be simple as pie with that section in your life. I promise you when you open that good book, do slow reading. You’ll find something that will make it worth your while.

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  7. Sarah, I’ve been reminded recently that God is the God of 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. chances. I, too, know times of despair. I, too, as old as I am wait for God to reveal my purpose in this season of my life. But even when it seems I have lost hope or faith, it does not alter the truth that God has not changed – the love of Jesus Christ toward me is unchanging, unceasing. He always gives me another chance, based on what He has done; not based on what I have done or will do. He can restore what we have lost. Jesus and Heaven remain our Hope eternal as He alone is Grace and Truth. Truth does not take away the pain, the loss, hurt, or the circumstances, but gives me hope in the midst of them. (My intent is not to “preach, but rather to share my heart with you because I care, Sarah. Sorry you have suffered loss and pain.)

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I too have lost my faith this past year and suffered losses. I find that I feel a lack of meaning in my life too without my belief in God. Thank you for writing so honestly. I have no advice though, just trying to find my way too. Sorry about the loss of your dog — its amazing what an animal can give you — but it is awful when you have to say goodbye. Allow yourself to grieve. Maybe you could write about all the ways he was special.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this reply. I wish you didn’t have to feel this as well but I hope you know you are not alone. Perhaps I will write about the good things about my precious little boy – once the pain is a little lighter.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. When my beloved dog, Angel, died, I was heartbroken, the colour left life, and it was difficult to see joy anywhere, over time, very slowly, joy and peace of heart and mind returned to me.

    Grieving is a process that does pass with time.

    Liked by 1 person

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