This is not coming from a depressed or suicidal place, I just find myself questioning life after the loss of our precious dog.
It’s a thought I have had before but it is more pronounced after our recent loss. Currently in my life, even though I have been healing and doing better after all the family drama and estrangements, everything just seems so pointless in general. I have a job and career I don’t like but can’t change for reasons I won’t go into here. Besides my hubby and step-son, I have no family anymore and my best friend is half a country away. Money is tight right now so there is nothing to do but just sit at home, much of the time alone. Our little Scottie was the one keeping me company and now he is gone and I feel the lack of his presence immensely.
I just don’t know what the future holds for me. I was discussing it with my best friend and she said it sounds like I feel like I have no purpose in life – and my god she nailed it. With everything I have been through and lost, it’s hard to see a future where my life is filled with joy and purpose. It’s hard to see how that will ever happen. It’s hard to see what will change. I know I can only live in the now but right now, now hurts. And I know it will begin to pass, the sadness of the loss, it just seems so deep right now.
Losing my religion and belief in God is another factor. When I was a believer, there was at least the hope of Heaven after such a traumatic life. But I am not sure what I believe anymore and that leaves the emptiness even more intense sometimes.
I have started taking long walks again and trying to keep myself busy with house cleaning and such, trying to distract my thoughts, but once that’s done, there is only time to sit on the couch and watch TV. I have no friends or extended family to go do things with. Life just has to be about more than that! Please tell me that my whole life is not going to big just one big tragedy after the next! I’m trying to hope; I’m trying…..