Grief Realized

Yesterday, we lost our little dog. In the early morning dark hours in bed, our beloved little boy went into a massive sneezing fit. When we turned on the light, there was blood sprayed everywhere.  Our hearts sunk and we knew it was time – we couldn’t let him suffer or live in pain. I let him lay on my chest for a couple hours until his appointment. I wanted to ingrain that memory in my head.

At 10:30 yesterday morning, my family and I took him to the vet to be put to sleep. Rather than do it on the table, I held him in my arms as they gave him the first shot that would make him fall asleep. I’m trying to hold onto the peace I hope he felt being in my arms. I held him for a bit and we all said our goodbyes. Then the vet took him to the back to administer the final shot; we couldn’t have out last memory be of him gone. As we waited for word that it had been done, we all basically collapsed in each others arms in hard and forceful tears. After the vet came in and told us it was done, we left and went home, crying all the way.

Getting home was even more tough – the emptiness we felt in the house, like something so very important was missing. We struggled with seeing his beds and toys. We struggled with the parts of our daily routine that had always involved our little doggie. We felt guilt for putting him down, even though we knew we had to. There were and are so many thoughts going through our heads. What if we had given it one more day? But he would have been in pain and we couldn’t allow that.

I have never truly experience grief and loss.  When I lost my father, I was in a weird place, as it was when all the family drama was going on and I had turned off all my emotions, so I never really or truly felt the loss of my father. But I felt this loss immensely! It hurts so bad that I don’t know how to survive it. I know time will heal but right now, I just don’t see how it ever could.

I feel so lonely, and I know that will be even harder and more pronounced once my husband starts traveling again for his job next week. We pick up Scottie’s urn and ashes hopefully by late next week – and we can’t wait to bring him home. We need him home.

It’s interesting how people grieve in different ways. When we got home, my husband laid next to Scottie’s bed and I started cleaning – I had to keep myself busy or totally lose it.  Of course, throughout the day, we both lost it many times. We talked a lot but whereas I was mainly missing Scottie’s presence, my husband was afraid that until we get the aches back, Scottie is alone and afraid and that thought hurts my husband. Unfortunately, I hadn’t had that thought and his sharing it with me made me start hurting about that. I try to think that his spirit is no longer there with his body, and that if dogs’ spirits do go someplace, then he is with other dogs or family members and he isn’t alone or afraid. I prayed to my dad that if he is out there somewhere, that he find Scottie quickly and take care of him for us. My husband also hopes that Scottie isn’t mad at us but I think Scottie would somehow know that we did what was necessary and it was out of nothing but love and concern. I have to hope that anyway – it’s the only way we will find peace.

I guess I have just never felt a sadness like this, a grief so deep. I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t just sit; I have to be doing something, anything, to distract my mind. When does the pain start to subside? When do we start to feel a little peace and relief? When is it okay to feel moments of joy again, especially with Christmas upon us?

For now, we still have his beds out – they still smell like him which actually brings me some comfort. I still talk to him too. Good god – I don’t know how to get through this…