I have felt so much positivity lately and I have received so much support from my wonderful followers. In staying real though, I am here to tell you though that the road to healing is bumpy – we are not instantly healed and forever happy. The road is better, yes. But the pain does not instantly disappear.
This morning I watched a compilation video of various soldiers on leave returning home and surprising their children or family members. These videos are difficult for me to watch. After 5 1/2 years, at my son’s wedding, he didn’t run up to see me and wrap me in a hug. No tears, no words of joy and love, only a small reflection in his eyes of the mother who has been through hell and had so many life experiences she deserved taken from her.
I have accepted where our relationship is right now. But seeing those videos or seeing how much an adult child loves their mom still stabs my heart a little. When I think of everything I did for my son, fighting for his rights when he was young, putting my pain aside to try to be the best mother I knew how to be, how does he not see all that? How was he led to believe the opposite? I know that I will most likely never have the answers to these questions. For the most part, I have been able to let it go, like I have said – acceptance is an amazing thing. But it doesn’t mean that it can’t still hurt.
I have said before that the only people in my life who could still hurt me are my mother and my son. The hurt would be different now of course – I wouldn’t take it so hard or so personally. I see things differently now and I know that they have their own issues they are dealing with. So this leads me to a valuable and intriguing question – what is healing? What does it mean to say we are healed?
I think it could be different for everyone but to me, being healed means being better equipped to deal with and face the bad stuff in life. It means being able to understand all angles of a person or situation rather than putting it all on ourselves. It means accepting our faults and trying to improve on them. It means realizing that others have faults and while we have no control of how they act on them, we do have control over how we react to them. We have control to not allow them to dictate how we feel about ourselves and who we are. THIS is what it means to be healed.
I am not completely there yet, but I am working on it – I am on my way…