Yesterday was a whirlwind. I had a cold and a migraine. My little doggie, who has cancer, started acting really strange, limping, seeping from one eye and couldn’t stand up; he’d just fall over. I had taken him to the vet the day before and then had to take him again yesterday after wondering all morning if we were about to lose him. Turns out he had an eye infection and a large abscess on his front paw. They had to muzzle him and drain the abscess. They fitted him with one of those lovely cone collars to keep him from licking his wounds. They had to be careful what meds to give him because of the cancer in his liver. By the time I left, my neck was tense and my migraine worse and I felt so bad for my little guy.
By the time I got home, I was completely emotionally drained and physically exhausted. Then something happened – I just wanted my mom! I wanted to talk to her. I wanted my mothers’ comfort. Anyone who has followed this blog will know what that means for me. I haven’t felt this need in 6 years. It took my by surprise and I sat there a moment wondering if I should call her or not. She still hadn’t ever called me like she said she would but I couldn’t ignore this feeling inside me. It was the feeling of being a daughter again, of wanting my mommy again. Even now that thought makes me choke up. It’s a good feeling but I also risk being hurt again.
I did call her. She said she was planning on calling me at the end of the week. I thought that was odd – why not just call me? But I can’t keep reading into things so much. I told her about me and our little doggie. I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting – the soothing mom she used to be or the mostly cold one she has been these last few years. I think she was somewhere in between, which is at least progress. She talked more than usual – usually I do most of the talking. It felt good. It felt good to talk to her about something real and not just pleasantries and ‘how’s the weather’. I miss how we used to call each other all the time.
I’m not sure where things will go from here. I don’t know if this was a one-time thing or if now there will be more. I am happy about it but I do fear that she could let me down and how that will affect me. But for now, I am just proud of myself for recognizing what I was feeling and for allowing myself to give in to it and call my mother and talk to her like I used to. I’m still surprised I felt it but I am glad I did.