This has been a big week for me, writing my “unsent” letters to the family members who have hurt me. It’s amazing how you start out writing, unsure of what you will say, and then the ink hits the paper (so to speak) and the words just seem to flow, not only the words but the right words. That’s the thing about unsent letters – we are allowed to be real, no covering up a true feeling that we don’t really want the person to know about.
So far I have written these letters to my sisters, my brother and my mom. That leaves my dad and my son. The things is – I have been feeling so many different emotions this week, not to major extents, just little hints of sadness, loneliness and even a bit of anger. I think I am coming down off the high of the weeks after the wedding, when I felt so happy and so proud. I still feels those things but after being on a high for a while, I think we naturally start feeling other emotions creep back in – I am handling them better now though and they don’t consume me. I just try to figure out where the emotion is coming from.
The sadness and loneliness, I think, are coming from the holidays approaching and not having much family. My husband has also been traveling away for work a lot lately, leaving me on my own, something I am not used to. And I do think there is a processing of losing my family. Even though I am happy with where everything is now, after the wedding and all, it is still a loss in many ways – you still grieve the loss of your family in a certain way. The anger – well I still jump to anger too quickly and I am working on that, trying to be more present in the moment and aware of my thoughts. There is still healing to be done after all – it doesn’t happen overnight.
So the two letters I haven’t “sent” – my dad and my son. For some reason, I have no desire to write one for my son. I don’t know if I ever will. There is separation there. He still isn’t communicating with me, not really. It’s like he treated me well at the wedding because we were face-to-face. But not face-to-face, he goes right back to what feels like estrangement. I’m not upset though – I am well past that. I accepted him and the status of our relationship a while ago. I will always be here for him but I won’t shed any more tears over something, someone, I can’t change.
My dad? I tried writing a letter to him but the words just weren’t there. Maybe there is a part of me, knowing he is dead, that believes he can actually read it. But I think it is more that it’s still too painful, the wounds of loss and grief still too open. It was 4 years ago and I still have never truly let myself feel or deal with this loss. I will write it someday, maybe even someday soon, but for now, I can’t.