First and foremost, I want to say that I forgive you both. I never thought I would be able to do that but here I am. I should state that I do not forgive your actions but rather whatever it is inside of you that made you capable of inflicting intentional harm on someone you love. You see, I finally realized that you each have your own demons that you are wrestling with just as I have had mine. We just all took those demons to a different place.
I look back at the beginning of the estrangement with you, Sandy, the simplest and most genuine of incidents – a decision to be made over whether or not our parents should move and give them a chance at better health and a better life. I have to ask you – why was that such a bad thing? How is supporting mom and dad and wanting them to be healthier and live longer such a terrible thing? How was that worth throwing our relationship away?
And you, Sharon, our estrangement over me trying to help mom and dad out with YOUR son that you kicked out. How was my love and concern so terrible? What about that made you want to come back in when I had been cast out of the family and for you to get back “in” with Sandy to try to hurt me?
Did you both not realize that in our messed up, warped family, I cared about you two more than anybody else in the family? I was always there for you, listened to you, let you vent even when inside I disagreed. How could you take that, warp it, and turn it into something so filled with hate?
I have realized that it wasn’t the above events that so burned you, it was each of you not being able to handle me finding my voice, me having my own opinion, and me standing up to each of you for the first time. And it only took one time – one time to disagree with you and you turned on me and turned into people I don’t recognize anymore. How does that happen?
But I know it happened, it just took me a long time to see it. It’s those inner demons, the ones thrust upon us not of our own choosing, the ones that molded us as children. It was the childhood abuse showing it’s face, showing how it affected each of us differently. And once I realized that, I had no choice but to forgive you both. I can’t blame either of you for how the abuse affected you. I wish you had made different decisions but perhaps you were incapable of that. I truly believe that the incest of our childhoods took away much of our ability to love and to trust. So when someone lets us down, right or wrong, especially someone we love, we pull away. We deflect our own pain and anger onto that person because it is easier – easier than facing our own faults and insecurities. I know because it’s what I did to both of you until recently, albeit in a different way as I did not try to hurt either of you.
At the wedding, seeing the two of you play the ignore game and act like grade-schoolers, it was such a shame. In that moment, you had the power to let go of the pain and drama, to reconnect, to move forward and yet you chose to continue on in your pain – and yes, I do say YOUR pain as it is no longer mine and probably never was mine. You can’t pretend that pain isn’t there – for you two to act the way you did can only mean that the pain is still ever so present.
I say this with sincerity – I hope that someday you can find peace and let go of what is so built up inside of you. You can keep pretending but I see you, each of you. I know we will never have the relationships we used to and I am okay with that. At this point I just want you each to find your own life, separate from the abuse, separate from the family drama, separate from the pull of each other.
What you did to me is not okay, how you used my son is not ok, but you have my forgiveness.