The holidays are quickly coming upon us. I have found that with an estranged family, the holidays are the worst time of year. This year will be a little different, a little better, since the wedding and since my steps towards healing. The problem is that holidays are all about family. Yes, I have my husband and my step-son, which I am very thankful for, but I just feel lonely during the holidays.
It’s not that I miss my family – I don’t miss that drama at all! I just miss having family in general – the feeling of having family gathering around, of going down memory lane, of laughter at old stories, of catching up. There is none of that for me. My husband’s family is far away and in bad health so they can’t travel and it seems like it is never the right time for us to travel to see them. Watching holiday movies hits me hard sometimes, simply because I want what those families have. Even the movies with screwed up families still find ways to stay a family, still love each other (Home For The Holidays with Holly Hunter for example). It bugs me sometimes that my family is not able to do that.
I have come so far. Hell, I have even forgiven my sisters – not their actions but them as individuals, knowing they carry their own demons that caused them to act out. I guess I had hoped that after all these years, they could have found it within themselves to drop the act, end the drama, and just be themselves. Imagine if they could have done that? Imagine what the future could look like? A brighter and lighter one, for sure. I wish that for them. I have found it and I wish they could as well. The wedding, however, proved that they are still so very stuck in whatever it is making them act out.
And so, I have this splintered family once again as the holidays approach. I am making the best of it though. I am making the best of my husband, step-son and me. I am enjoying decorating and look forward to the baking. We have a couple awesome Christmas parties to go to. I do have some very wonderful people in my life and I will take a few of them anyday over a ton of fake and insincere ones. But still, the holidays just lack something without family gathered all around. I try every year to make the most of what I do have but a part of me still reminisces and my heart still feels a little lonely. I somehow don’t think that will ever pass.
For those of you out there who are in the same or similar situation, please know that you are not alone. Let’s get through the holidays together. Family is not always blood and friendships are not always traditional. I am here for you!