An Unsent Letter To My Brother

(Severe Trigger Warning)

Do you know me? Do you know me at all? The twelve years between our ages would be enough to not really know each other – you were married and out of the house by the time I was 8 or so. But there is another reason I don’t think you know me – you molested me. The truth is – you don’t know me at all!

You don’t know that you took that innocent little girl and turned her into a fragile, heart-broken shell, no longer a human being but rather a lost soul. I have to wonder if you have retained all the detailed memories that my mind has somehow lost, the ones my mind has decided to protect me from? I have bits and pieces and I want you to know that, to this day, they will rip me apart if I let the memory seep in. If a memory starts in my head, triggered by something around me, I have to say, “No! I am not going to think about that!” Sometimes I can push the memory away and other times my heart breaks yet again.

You know what I really hate? I hate that of what I do remember, you didn’t touch or do things to me, you always had me do them to you! To me, in an unimaginable way, you were so selfish. You used me. Do you know what it does to me to think that not even you wanted me!? Do you know how messed up that is?  Do you know that you set me up for a life of believing I will never be loved and that no one will ever truly want me? That I am only something to be used and then discarded?

And I do feel like you discarded me, in so many ways. Even today, you seem to think I am an uninformed and unintelligent person – that’s how you talk to me anyway. The only compliment I have received from you was when you mistakenly thought you were texting with our sister instead of me! You don’t give me credit for being anything on my own. Do you know that I am actually a very intelligent person? I have an IQ of 140, tested multiple times. I have more empathy, understanding and insight into people than you could ever possible know or imagine.

When you were molesting me, hurting me, did you know that it would have lasting effects? That it was creating, molding my personality? Did you know that your short-term self-gratification would create long-term, life-long issues for me? Did you even care? Was there ever a moment in your mind where you realized that the naked little girl next to you was a person and didn’t deserve what you were doing to her? Were you ever even afraid to get caught? Did you ever even think?

Even though a part of me somehow loves you, I want you to know that I hate you as well. I hate that you have never taken true responsibility for what you did to me. I hate that you never had to pay for it. I hate that you have a career in a field dealing with children. I hate that you are successful while I struggle every day to battle the wounds and scars that YOU gave me. I hate that I am looked upon as the messed up one. I hate that our family values you, the molester, more than me, your victim. I hate that they protected you and I hate that by them doing so, it so belittled me.

You, my dear brother, taught that little girl that she was worthless, that she was meant merely to be a pawn and a toy for others. You taught her denial, insecurity, distrust, self-hate. You taught her to look for love in all the wrong places and to allow herself to be used over and over again. That’s what you taught her, that helpless, little girl. But me? Your actions taught me to be strong, to question, to fight! You taught me that I am more than what others have done to me or what others think of me. I take that back – you didn’t teach me those things – I did! I found my strength, my courage, my light. I uncovered the good things inside me that you buried all those years ago.

So, do you know me?  No – you don’t me at all because I am no longer that little girl whose voice you silenced and whose heart you squeezed dry in your dirty hands. That little girl has far since been left behind. Who you see before you now is a strong, intelligent, compassionate woman who has much to offer this world.

You are lucky my dear brother – I could have ripped your life apart. I hope that’s in the back of your mind somewhere…

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14 thoughts on “An Unsent Letter To My Brother

  1. Sarah, what happened was not your fault. You are right and your brother is and was wrong. I think it is necessary that you fully become aware of the red line that he crossed and that this was his responsibility never to do that, not yours. I is good that you start giving words to what happened to you and to address the right person, which is definitely not you. You are strong woman and you have started this process to free yourself from this chain.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I could have wrote this myself. To my brother. I have wrote many like this myself. I’m glad you found it within you to get this out. I was told by someone else, they write letters to their abusers every few months to get more out or to help see them how their feelings and words have changed. I may try that again soon, but currently I can’t bring myself to go there again for awhile, I just did it a couple weeks ago. If you missed it, it is on my blog if you wanna check it out sometime. It’s crazy how much I feel you are in my head when I read your blog. Keep writing. I need it. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry, its actually a letter to the younger me, regarding the abuse of my brother. I haven’t been able to bring myself to write to him lately, but you have inspired me to try soon. Going to try…at least and thats all that matters. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You know, I have lately been thinking of writing a letter to the younger me but every time I try, the words just aren’t there. I guess I am not ready for that yet.

        Just keep trying sweetness – everything comes in its own time – I have realized that more than anything recently. HUGS!

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Thank you for your kind words of support. I’m sorry you see yourself in this letter – I hate what so many children/adults have been through at he cruel hand of others. This is the first letter i have written. i have actually always wanted to write a real one and actually send it, but I can’t do that, not yet anyway, and I don’t think it would be as honest as this one.

      I don’t think I could keep writing him – this one was my way of voicing what he did and letting go of it, letting it fall into the past and not bury me anymore. I encourage you to do whatever it is that YOU need to do. I think it can be different for all of us. It is nice to know that others out there understand where I am coming from, understand what it takes to be able to voice the pain. HUGS to you my dear! I am with you!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Chills came and went through me as I read your story. This letter of pain. This letter or triumph. Thankful you chose not to be a victim, but to be victorious through self love. May your whole life be blessed with healing love.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so very much! I did not set out to write this today – it just kind of happened. It’s something I have been holding onto for so long and I think I just needed to let it go. It’s also the first time I have been that honest – I admitted/wrote a couple things that have never come forth in words from my mouth to anyone. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement!

      Like

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