Part of what I love about blogging is being able to be honest, to be raw, to be real no matter what I am feeling, happy or sad, healed or hurt. A couple days ago, I got this notion to want to send a short note to one of my sisters, Sandy. What? Where did that come from? I have always swore I would never be the one to ever initiate any contact with my sisters and now here I am contemplating writing to one of them. It is amazing how the mind can change, especially once we really do start moving forward. Let me explain.
Since the wedding, my thoughts have been so much clearer, no longer weighed down and jumbled. It’s really a nice change, a nice feeling – feeling somewhat normal again. What is normal? A fellow blogger posed this question the other day. For me, it’s not about being happy all the time – I mean who can truly pull that off? I think ‘happy’ for me is to be able to let go of the past and look towards the future with hope and a sense of joy and expectation for what is to come. It means knowing that there will still be hurts and hoping I can handle them with a new-found sense of strength and courage. It means finding myself and being content with who I am as a person. It means accepting that I will make mistakes and that it’s okay. We all make mistakes – it’s how we handle them that defines us. It’s being the best person I can be, to others, to myself and to this world.
To myself? I never thought I could say that let alone practice it. The wedding was an event that really changed me. I knew it would, I just didn’t know if it would be for the better or for the worse. I would say how lucky I am that it was for the better, but the truth is, it wasn’t luck – it was me finally finding my voice, my strength, and using it. Healing is timing – it’s situational! Those two things have to come together. For me they came together at a point when I was able to say to myself, “Enough! I’m done with hurting, done with the pain. It’s up to me now!”
Since the wedding and seeing how childish my sisters behaved, suddenly everything started coming together in my head. No matter how much they want to hate me or hurt me, they can’t really touch me. To see that they are still so wrapped up in whatever their game is, whatever their issues are, and then to see me, letting go of it all, realizing there’s so much more to life – the difference and the separation was enlightening. Here’s the interesting thing – after everything they did to hurt me, I wish them well. That’s the kind of person I am, the kind of person I forgot I was. I don’t hold ill-will for anyone and I have this understanding now that people’s actions are most often a reflection of how they feel about themselves. I can’t stay mad at that, at them. I can’t forgive what they did in relation to my son, my only child, but I can move forward and let it go. It feels so good to finally be remembering who I am inside.
And so, a couple days ago I felt this pull to write to Sandy. I will never write Sharon; I have no desire to. I truly believe that she let her demons turn her into a bad person. I also believe Sharon was the instigator in the estrangements and Sandy was the follower. The fact is, Sandy and I used to be so close and although I am not searching for reconciliation, I think I am looking for closure. I did send her the note but I did first have to consider why I was doing it. Did I want reconciliation? No. Did I want to take a finally stab at her? No. Did I want to get closure, wish her well and move on? Yes.
Even though I can’t forgive or forget, I can accept her for who she is now. I can be understanding of whatever it is that allowed her to act so mean. Inner demons are tough for all of us after all. I sent her just a quick email saying that it was nice to see everyone together at the wedding and that I think it made our mother very happy, that it was unfortunate that she and Sharon chose to ignore, that I had hoped time would heal, and that close or not, I will always wish her well. And my friends, I actually do feel this way – I wish them well. It may seem hard to believe or understand but I think it is me heading in a healthy direction, a healing direction. Letting go of all the hate, anger and confusion is such a release.
I wish I could say how I finally got to this place, to bring hope to those feeling lost and alone, feelings I know so very well. All I can say is that I do believe it is here for all of us. It just takes time, the right situations and desire. And it takes understanding – I think the biggest factor in my heading forward was realizing that the people trying to hurt me where in fact hurting inside themselves. I can’t change or fix what was done to me but I can make the most of what I have ahead of me.
Will my sister write back? Doubtful. I don’t even know if she will get the email or even read it. If she does, I don’t expect to hear back; that wasn’t the point in sending it. Sure, she could call Sharon and they can make something out of it that it’s not, laughing the whole time, but you know what? Who cares! That is their problem, not mine. I’m the one who has let go of those chains and said my peace. And so my strength continue to grow…