The First Step

So the question I am now finding myself with is this – where do I go from here? I have spent so long in a constant state of anxiety, pain and confusion. With the chains of negativity released, I can finally move forward; I’m just now sure how. Crutches are difficult to give up after all – we learn to depend on them, to trust them. After a while, they even become comfortable in a warped, sadistic way. I’m not used to looking toward my future with hope. It’s a new feeling. It feels amazing yet scary at the same time. With the trauma gone, now my life is truly up to me. That’s a scary proposition!

It is nice though – I feel more like me than I have in a very long time. Since the wedding and facing my sisters, I feel more relaxed, more calm. It’s time to find myself again. It’s time to stop being afraid of everything. Dang, I am struggling to write here! Why is it so easy to write about the bad and so difficult to write about the good?

I want to change how I have been the last few years – no more running away, no more letting self-doubt dictate my decisions. It’s time I start participating in my own life! I have been taken jobs that are way beneath my skill level, out of fear of messing up, fear of someone looking at me and thinking I don’t know what I am doing. The truth is, I am very good at what I do; I just lack self-esteem. In fact, I actually had a boss tell me that once and he couldn’t have stated it more perfectly. A long time ago, I rose to a challenge but the last few years, I have withdrawn from them, putting myself in places where I would never be challenged. And it’s so boring! What happened to me?  How did other people so affect my life, my personality?

It’s time to change!  We may be moving in a few months to a different state and when we do, I am going to look for the job I should be doing, the one that challenges me and makes me better. I’m still relatively young, 43, and there is a lot of life left ahead of me. I want to get involved in singing again, start making and selling jewelry again. I need to get back into all the things that made me ME!  I want to start doing all the things I’ve said I would do someday. My biggest wish is to find a way to help others, although nearly impossible without some kind of psychology degree, but there has to be something out there. I feel like I have so much to offer someone who has been through the same things as I me.

So my desire is there – now I just need to finally act. The future is mine to hold – what will I do with it?


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