Talk about bad timing! This picture is all over the news right now. Did it have to be just before my son’s wedding? I teared up when I first heard this story about a father that momentarily stopped walking his daughter down the isle to go and get her step-father to join them. He felt the step-father had helped raise their daughter just as much as he had and deserved to stand there with him. Amazing! Do you realize what a thoughtful, caring and selfless act this was? I can only dream of such a family…
This is my last “wedding countdown” post. We leave tomorrow and the wedding is on Saturday. I will be reading comments but won’t be able to post until I return early next week. The picture above makes me weep for two reasons: for how awesome that family is and for how warped mine is. It is 3 days till the wedding and I still have no clue about anything – no wedding details, no contact from my son about anything, no idea where I belong or what my place will be. Will I be his mother or just a guest?
How can any thinking, caring person treat his mother like this? How am I so dispensable? Why did he bother to even invite me? I have asked for details and information and my requests have been ignored. No one has even told me when they want me there! Such a sad comparison to the picture above. They included the step-father and I don’t even know if my son will include his own mother. It’s odd, the different emotions I am feeling all at the same time: sadness, anger, frustration, pain, acceptance and strength. I didn’t know it was possible to feel all that together at once. The two that I really need to bring to the surface are acceptance and strength! Honestly, acceptance is there; it just doesn’t keep it from being hella frustrating!
I know I have strength, more than I am aware of. I have to have it to have made it through thus far. Just going to this wedding takes a type of strength that I think many just can’t know or understand. This is one of those in-your-face make-or-break moments in life and I will come out okay on the other side. I have survived abuse, estrangement, abandonment, PTSD and depression – I will survive this too! I wish I could shout out, “Look at me! See me! Look into my eyes and see that you did not break me.” The thing is – I’m not sure they can even look me in the eyes. But I will be looking into theirs. I will see in their eyes the loved ones I lost and the monsters they became. I will see in their eyes my reflection and I will feel proud that I am standing tall amidst the wolves. If they bite, I will heal. Once this weekend is gone and I have processed the feelings and emotions it brings, I will bear that scar as a symbol of letting go of the past and finally looking towards the future. I haven’t mattered in a long time and now – I want to matter!
Thank you everyone for your awesomely kind words and support! It will stay with me as I journey through this weekend!