Here I thought I had been strong lately, feeling a little more positive about the wedding and family reunion this weekend, and then yesterday – BAM – massive anxiety attack! It hit out of nowhere while I was at work. In the past, I have had minor anxiety/panic attacks but this was something altogether different. I couldn’t breathe, I was lightheaded and way off balance, stumbling when I walked, hyperventilating – it was absolutely terrible! I kept thinking to myself – “I can’t do this!” “How am I going to get through this if I am like this?” There is no doubt in my mind that if I feel like that this weekend – I will seriously pass out!
It is truly amazing what emotional stress can do to the physical body. I am trying to breathe steadily this morning, even chose decaf coffee for heaven’s sake! My shoulders and neck are tight and tense. I feel a little of the nervousness but I am trying to keep it at bay. I think it is hitting me now because the time is finally here – the wedding is Saturday and we leave Thursday. After endless months of thinking how far away it is, now it’s all suddenly REAL! Fear is starting to rise within me, like a dam inside my soul has given way and crumbled and the fear is spilling over into my heart. No matter how ready I think I feel, there is just no way of knowing how I will actually react when I am faced with everything all at once in just a few days from now. I feel like I am nothing more than an pesky bug and they are just waiting to squash me. And they won’t do it in obvious, overt ways; it will be sly, underhanded, dirty.
But, I am jumping in head first! They won’t get the best of me. They have taken so much of my life away from me and I refuse to let them take anymore! My going to this wedding is me saying, “I’m still here! You didn’t break me!”