It is hitting me today, emotionally. The anxiety-ridden wedding is this weekend and my precious dog has cancer. The emotions are overwhelming – so is the numbness. How can I be numb and emotional at the same time? I’ve been trying to find the words for how I feel today, the words to describe this palpable feeling inside me and I just can’t seem to find the right ones. This morning I am overly light-headed, headachy and on the verge of tears. I feel like life has drained out of my mind and body. I feel overwhelmed and sad.
My faith has greatly wavered over the last 6 years. I don’t believe in God anymore. I hope I don’t lose followers or piss anyone off by saying that – I just want to speak the truth, my truth. Please understand that I was a true, firm believer for most of my life. I sang at church and taught Sunday School and Vacation Bible School. But these last years, with everything that has happened, everything that has been stripped away from me, over time my faith started to fall. Amidst my questioning, anger, sadness and despair, it fell to nothing. How could that faith survive when I was always doing what I was supposed, always giving and taking care of others – only to have the “others” be cruel and turn on me. I was brought up to believe in a kind, loving God – where was that God when I was abused by my father and brother? Where was that God when I bore my son and fell into an unrecoverable depression? Where was that God when my family and son were torn away from me? Where was that God when my father died suddenly during that family trauma? And where is that God when the week before the dreaded wedding that could break me, I discover my beloved pet has advanced cancer? Where is that love and kindness I was taught to believe in? And why did I deserve such a cruel and never-ending fate?
When I started writing this post, I didn’t know where it would lead – perhaps there is a small part of me after all that still believes – because what I just wrote seems to be a lot of anger, a lot of anger at God. I didn’t know that was still in me! I have heard, since I was little, the saying, “God will never give you more than you can handle.” Really? Because he obviously gave me more than I can handle if it made me stop believing in him. I even reached out, last year, to the one person I thought could help bring me back to God, and that person ignored me. It just deeper ingrained my disbelief.
And so now, here I am, feeling more emotions than I know how to separate or deal with. What do they say? “Tears are not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of when you have been strong for too long.” I think I am there…