Wedding Countdown – 1 Week

I stayed home from work to be with my sick little doggie. He is not doing well and I am waiting to find out when the radiologist will be available at the veterinarian’s office. I feel numb today. My dog’s health this week and the wedding next week – it’s a bit of an emotional/mental overload.

It is only one more week until my hubby and I fly out for my semi-estranged son’s wedding. How did it go from five months to one week so quickly? And in nine days, I will see my son for the first time in 5 1/2 years. Five and a half years!  In many ways, it feels like time has stood still since the day my son turned me away. He is now 24 years old and I haven’t physically seen him since he was 19. I have talked to him only once. I so wish this first meeting didn’t have to be the day of his wedding, the day when I will be surrounded by all the family members who hurt and betrayed me and those who let it all happen.

I had hope when my son told me he would try to stay in contact with me better but he didn’t. I still have no details about the wedding. I don’t know if I will even be asked to be in the pictures – it will all be just so very awkward. I have resigned myself, for now, to accepting that I will just be a guest, not family, not his mother. I’m not sure why he even bothered to talk to me 5 months ago – nothing has changed since. I’m tired, exhausted really, of trying to figure him out. I have done everything I can do and now it is up to him.

It’s crazy but I feel like none of this is real. It doesn’t seem real that my son and I are estranged. It doesn’t seem real that my family, my blood, helped it happen. It doesn’t seem real that after all these years of not seeing any of them, I will be seeing all of them next weekend! I look back on the last 6 years and it feels like it wasn’t real at all, but a dream – one big, tragic nightmare!  But that spot of emptiness in my heart, in my soul, let’s me know it was real, all of it.

I have to wonder what my son would be like if his father hadn’t put me down to him for his entire childhood. My father told me that my son would see that someday, and see that I hadn’t done the same, and that he would be very angry with his father for it. But nope – my son hasn’t seen it at all! He thinks and treats his father like a god. I guess it’s hard when my son doesn’t know the truth about a lot of things from his childhood, but you’d think he’d at least see how disrespectful his father was to me. Instead, my son now sees me like his father does. And his father thought I was awesome until I broke off our engagement. After that, it all went down hill.

A child’s wedding should be such an amazing experience for a parent – for me, it is something I just need to get through.  I can’t say for sure how I will be when I am there. Oh I know I will smile and such, but deep inside I will be guarded and not sure of what to feel. I guess I don’t need to know – I just need to let happen what may.

I’m not Catholic but I am watching the Pope on TV and I so wish that the peace he represents could find it’s way into my family, into my son, into me.  Perhaps one day…

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