I had an epiphany over the weekend. My husband, over the last 2 1/2 years, has made some pretty big strides in his career. I have been so very proud of him for taking risks and finding something better for himself and for us. He had to go into the office for a little bit this weekend and I went with him. As I was waiting, I was looking around at the beautiful place where he works, thinking of the awesome people he works with, seeing my husband himself proud of what he is doing now and then it hit me – I have to get out of this hole I have been hiding in for the last few years. I am so proud of my husband and so disappointed in myself.
I have let everything that has happened take me so far down that I have stepped back in my career, all out of fear of being wrong about something, about a superior seeing me and thinking I am no good, about not being perfect. I don’t want to wake up one day when I am older and look back and realize I wasted my life, wasted my talents and abilities. I used to be so good at what I do but since the family drama, I have taken jobs that have no chance of stressing me out, no chance of bringing up those terrible feelings of anxiety and ultimately internal rage. But they also don’t challenge me, don’t make me better, don’t make me feel proud of who I am and what I am doing.
I feel like my life and who I am are wasting away and I am only 43! There is so much life left ahead of me, too much to be hiding away out of fear of everything. I need to change it. I want to change it! But how do you change a way of thinking that has been ingrained in you for so long? How do I take a risk when it has the power to crush me? I’m not the person I used to be – I am much stronger in many ways but much weaker in others. I don’t want to be the person I am now – the one hiding, so very untrusting, always suspicious, instantly skeptical, endlessly afraid, ultimately more fragile than I want to admit.
We have a possible big change in our lives coming up in the next few months (that and the upcoming wedding). Once I know the outcome of that, I want to take the steps, take the risk, to a better me. I will take the steps. What’s that W. B. Yeats quote?
“Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.”