Wedding Countdown – 2 Weeks

The title for this post actually could almost have been “Sleepless Nights”. There is simply way too many thoughts, too many details, too many questions going through my head. I can feel so tired, my body exhausted, but as I turn off the lights, lay my head against my pillow in the silence of the dark night, my brains decides to run a marathon, a mental marathon! Over and over my brain goes through every possible scenario for my son’s wedding. “Ok, Sarah, calm yourself down, try to smooth out the thoughts,” I say to myself. It works for about 10-20 seconds and then my brain picks up speed again. Apparently my brain wants to come in first in this marathon.

In thinking, worrying really, about the wedding, my thoughts went to something from 24 years ago, the day my son was born. It’s something I recall now only because, with estrangement, I wonder if something particular that happened that day was somehow a premonition or precursor, a sign, of what was to come. Two rolls of film were used to take pictures of me and my son in the hospital on the day he was born, precious images that can never be replaced. When I picked the photos up from the store, they were all completely black – no image at all (my sister had loaded the film in the camera wrong). I cried for weeks! They were once-in-a-lifetime photos and they were all just gone, never even existed.  And now, today, instead of lost photos of my son, I have lost years with my son and I can’t get those back either. So were the black photos a sign? I don’t know; I just know that it stayed in my thoughts last night. It haunted them.

Anticipation and counting down the days is the real killer. I want to say, “Can’t we just do this already?” I just want it to be over with. Now if the day me can just tell the night me to SHUT UP!!!!


7 thoughts on “Wedding Countdown – 2 Weeks

  1. I relate to this as well. My parents destroyed/lost the VHS home movies from when we were little. Birthdays, Christmases, vacations, toddlers singing nursery rhymes, totally precious stuff. I don’t know why they didn’t care more about them. My dad taped over most of them with re-runs from television. If you would have had those images, you know you would have protected them and cherished them. My parents… let those things go. Casually, it seems. To me, that is worse. I try to think about the thousands of years that people had babies, got married, went places and did things and never had the first opportunity for a photo. Of anything or anyone. Only fairly recently has the common person had access to photography of special times. We’re lucky to have any photos of anything, really. But anyhow, I hope these future things surprise you fabulously somehow. I hope things go unexpectedly well. I’ve been thinking of you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! I’m so sorry you know the pain of lost images, lost physical memories. I actually know what you speak of, with your parents. I was the fourth child, a mistake baby, and there are very few pictures of me as a baby/toddler but there are tons of my siblings as babies. It’s like I was just an afterthought. Hugs to you my dear! I am always here for you!


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