The title for this post actually could almost have been “Sleepless Nights”. There is simply way too many thoughts, too many details, too many questions going through my head. I can feel so tired, my body exhausted, but as I turn off the lights, lay my head against my pillow in the silence of the dark night, my brains decides to run a marathon, a mental marathon! Over and over my brain goes through every possible scenario for my son’s wedding. “Ok, Sarah, calm yourself down, try to smooth out the thoughts,” I say to myself. It works for about 10-20 seconds and then my brain picks up speed again. Apparently my brain wants to come in first in this marathon.
In thinking, worrying really, about the wedding, my thoughts went to something from 24 years ago, the day my son was born. It’s something I recall now only because, with estrangement, I wonder if something particular that happened that day was somehow a premonition or precursor, a sign, of what was to come. Two rolls of film were used to take pictures of me and my son in the hospital on the day he was born, precious images that can never be replaced. When I picked the photos up from the store, they were all completely black – no image at all (my sister had loaded the film in the camera wrong). I cried for weeks! They were once-in-a-lifetime photos and they were all just gone, never even existed. And now, today, instead of lost photos of my son, I have lost years with my son and I can’t get those back either. So were the black photos a sign? I don’t know; I just know that it stayed in my thoughts last night. It haunted them.
Anticipation and counting down the days is the real killer. I want to say, “Can’t we just do this already?” I just want it to be over with. Now if the day me can just tell the night me to SHUT UP!!!!